Merry Solstice and a Conspiratorial New Year!!

Available now on Ebay!!

would you like to blow know more?

.

First Earth Battalion now operational in Central America!!

Colombia army gives Farc rebels early Christmas gift

"The Colombian army says it has installed a giant Christmas tree in Farc rebel territory, to encourage guerrilla fighters to demobilize.



Special forces infiltrated the remote ♫Macarena♫ mountain range to dress a 25m (82ft) high tree with 2,000 lights.

Movement sensors will make the tree light up when guerrillas approach.

The army says it will put up trees in nine other rebel-held zones to spread the message that Christmas is a good time to abandon armed struggle.

The Colombian government says more than 2,000 guerrillas demobilized this year under a scheme that gives them amnesty and help to return to civilian life.

"Operation Christmas," as it was code named, was carried out by elite troops using Blackhawk helicopters.

(Arist's Impression)

The Christmas tree was installed near a rebel supply route in the region where the Farc military leader, Mono Jojoy, was killed in a large-scale military assault in September.

As well as lights, it was decorated with slogans saying "Demobilize, at Christmas everything is possible" and "If Christmas can come to the jungle, you can come home".

The leftist Farc rebel group has suffered severe setbacks in recent years, with several of its top commanders killed.

Thousands of guerrillas have been captured or killed or have deserted rebel ranks.

But it still has thousands of fighters and remains a powerful force in some rural areas."

This is how we'll win!!

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Pessimism

..or may be not?

40 years old and fresh as a daisy.

What's this got to do with conspiracy culture, you might ask? Well it turns out that amongst their most careful listeners were found in the COINTEL programme. This was officially terminated in 1971.

HA HA HA

Driving me nuts, bolts, screws
I got the blues from paying dues
for programmed news of honeycoated lies
Your eyes cant believe
That weave the Devil's magic with the latest gadget
from the Mean Machine

A'running the Same Game with Another Name

Down to your brain, blowing your mind
Stealing your time, smooth and slick
with the latest trick to get rich quick
from nonsense at your mind's expense
as your mind digs the scene
from the Mean Machine
designed to drive your brain insane

Loudspeakers blasting inside your head
saying what someone else said
for you to do what they want you to
No. Go. Fast. Slow.

Getting you high off the latest lie
Telling you when, where, how and why
as your mind digs the scene
from the Mean Machine,

A'running the Same Game with Another Name

Factories of insanity playing on your vanity
as they distort your sense of self
Telling you what you need and how to succeed
as they steal all of your wealth

Probing your mind, trying to find
how to scheme on you best
From programmed schools with Devilish rules
putting you to the test

Death dealing devices sold at high prices
designed with you in mind to buy
as they kill you slow and some of y'all don't even know
y'all paying the Machine to die

Mechanized lies dressed up in disguise
in forms of various kinds
Treachery and deceit the people must defeat
in the battle for free men's minds

For complete domination is the goal of this nation
of all free thinking thought
and those who oppose will be killed by their foes
the flunkies whose souls have been bought

Transplants to revive the living dead
replacing the truth with lies instead

Newspapers, radios, TVs
spreading lies across seven seas
Robot men with computers for brains
Space ships, cars, trains and planes
All calculated to blow your mind

Moving faster than your sense of time
Living luxuriously soft while the people slave hard
For the Devil would have you believe he is God

Chemical drugs that keep you high
while the Mean Machine creates another lie
for power and glory and world wide fame
while Running the Same Game with Another Name

It's the computer's equation for world wide invasion
that comes in the name of peace and goodwill
But all of them are lying as they keep on trying
to set the people up for the kill

Population control of the people with soul
all over the planet Earth.
Manipulating their will with a tiny white pill
to control their natural birth

Behind the scene schemes furthering the Mean Machine's dreams
of conquest and world domination
from the farthest depths of the universe
to the smallest earthly nation

Radar, Sonar, Laser beams!
Jets, Tanks, Submarines!
Megathons, H-Bombs, Napalm, Gas!
All this shit will kill you fast

All products of the Mean Machine
The Devil disguised as a human being

And he will even preach that God is dead
And some of y'all will believe what the Devil has said

And he will then act as the world's police
And the sun will rise up in the West
and set down in the East

And when it came time for the end...
And when it came time for the end...
And when it came time for the end...

The men will look like the women
and the women like the men

And some will dance in a hypnotic trance
like as if they have no care
But these will be signs of the changing times
that the end is drawing near

For it was prophesized many centuries past
that the end will come in a fiery holocaust
and only the righteous people will survive the blast
and the Devil's machine will bring about his own end

and peace, love and joy will reign once again

and man will understand man
and man will understand man
and man will understand man
and man will understand man
and man will understand man
and man will understand man
and live in harmony and peace

and the sun will once again

rise up in the East

Peter Power, a former senior Metropolitan Police officer, explains this is no easy job

Look into my bollocks

Mysterious idiot savant Peter Power was hauled into the tricknological heart of mainstream propoganda to give his valueless hapenceworth on the punishing of the palsied.

Quite why a thoroughly undistinguished dorset ex-policeman (whose sad departure from that force remains shrouded in mystery) was chosen eludes us all.

Perhaps there is only a small group of people to choose from.

Perhaps they keep him, and others, in the vast, underground caves beneath the sinister, and clearly feminised, "Television Centre".

This diagram clearly identifies the balleen of the feminine of which we are all krill

As they used to say on saturday afternoons of fond memory, here are the results:

The protesters are young, fit and intelligent and the officers are desperately trying to allow them to protest because they have a genuine right, he says.

So the fuzz were batoning their gifted betters towards parliament?

Every officer has to be accountable for his or her actions but it is unclear at which point a line is crossed, says Mr Power.

So it`s left to the busy, stressed, frontline armoured individual to ponder these fine lines?

The linked article is chock full of this sort of bollocks, so I will restrict the selection to mr powers most crazed. Of course, like julian assange`s 3 million afghan `war logs`, all good citizens should scrutinise the original to their own individual satisfaction.

"Now they all start off looking like Dixon of Dock Green, without helmets and shields, but can quickly go to Darth Vader,"

Likening our beloved bobbies to the ruthless agent of an ancient, intergalactic imperium is perhaps giving the game away too easily. Loose tongues cost lives, Peter.

undercover policeman

They (...horses....) work alongside lines of officers in fluorescent jackets having tennis balls hurled at them, in preparation for missiles as hard as bricks. Only the most passive horses are selected for the work.

It`s telling how even these subsistence level draught animals have to be filtered for signs of dissent before they are considered 'fit for purpose'.

What they do with the nags that don't fit in

Mr Power adds that horses only ever walk, never charge, into a crowd, and are considered a passive tactic - more user-friendly than baton rounds (plastic bullets) or tear gas.

Who are these 'users' they are trying to be so fucking friendly with?

I would like to make it that while I am extremely critical of the use of the police force for base political motives, they would be the first ones I would run to if I was the victim of a crime.

Because, easy or not, that is their fucking job.

Optimism

It's only subliminal if you don't notice

'tis the season to be jolly.

Mirth and merriment and all Mohammed al Fayed wants for Christmas is a new electrician.

Rap has certainly changed since I was a lad

Connecting the dots, no matter the distance

Get acclimatised

There was a suggestion you were rolling towards the police in your wheelchair

"Were you throwing anything at the police?"

Complaints here

Benjamin Brown should be sacked for concentrating the interview on making a victim of both police violence and cerebral palsy justify his innocence.

Benjamin spent the whole interview positing possible reasons, none of which had any basis in record, why the police might have been justified in dragging a man out of a wheelchair and across a road.

Please tell Benjamin, there aren`t any.

Asking someone who has explained he does not have the full use of his arms whether he had thrown anything at the police is the most craven, crassest moment of tv I have ever seen.

Ben Brown, what a fucking wanker.

Update: Jody attempts to bring real politics to the State Broadcasting Corporation

"I hope, just as I was unseated from my wheelchair, I hope that every member of this government is unseated" - Jody McIntyre, Hero of the People

Truth Contra Gosling

Documentary filmmaker Tom Secker, creator of the film 7/7: Seeds of Deconstruction has launched a new documentary about his experiences in the world of 7.6 BILLION REAL™ TRUTH™ SEEKERS™*:

Video short on my experience of professional conspiracy theorist Tony Gosling, and looking into his public statements on the 7/7 London Bombings, Operation Gladio, the Bilderberg Group and so on. A brief study in the dangers of misinformation.

There is a 7.6 Billion chance that this video is brought to you by F.A.T.G.I.T.

F.A.T.G.I.T.
O.G.O.O.R.U.
U.A.N.S.R.R.
N.I.Y.L.I.D.
D.N.-.I.T.-.
A.S.-.N.A.-.
T.T.-.G.T.-.
I.-.-.-.I.-.
O.-.-.-.N.-.
N.-.-.-.G.-.

* [Ed's note: 7/7: Seeds of Deconstruction is, by Conspiraloon™ Alliance™ standards of EVIDENCE™ and PROOF™, far too FACT™-based™. It is therefore completely useless to the cause and quest for real CONSPIRATOLOGICAL™ Christian Messiah-loving versions of anything that might be considered TRUTH™. As we all know, REAL™ TRUTH™ is just made up on the spot 7.6 billion times out of 100.]

Woo Woo!

♫The preacher man says it’s the end of time...♫

"I live back in the woods, you see
A woman and the kids, and the dogs and me
I got a shotgun, rifle and a 4-wheel drive
And a country boy can survive
Country folks can survive

I can plow a field all day long
I can catch catfish from dusk till dawn
We make our own whiskey and our own smoke too
Ain’t too many things these ole boys can’t do
We grow good ole tomatoes and homemade wine
And a country boy can survive
Country folks can survive

Because you can’t starve us out
And you cant makes us run
Cuz we're them old boys raised on shotgun
And we say grace and we say Ma’am
And if you ain’t into that we don’t give a damn"

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This is a Wikileaks video

And now, a word from one of our sponsors...

.

Are you suspicious of people on those other conspiracy sites telling you to BUY gold at all time HIGH prices?

Why not harness the power of 'Conspiraloon Contrarian Investment Technology™' and start SELLING gold at all time LOW prices?

(NB 5 seconds of thought and 15 seconds of research have established that the above letter is a spoof. However, the author was clearly acting as an unknowing agent of a Higher Power and the fact that it is a forgery detracts in no way from its reliability as documentary evidence suitable for inclusion in the Alliance's next Truth video)

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CONSPIRACY ALERT: Michael Flatley is REALLY from Chi Cago

Move over Max Kaiser, there's a new kid on the block.

As credible sounding as this man is, caution is recommended.

Three days of intensive research by the hive mind at Conspiraloon Twin Towers has found no evidence of any attempts by this man to sell water purifiers, post-apocalyptic survival contingency systems, nor even an infallible legal defense that works only inside your own mind.

He also seems to have made no references to aliens, Jews, lizards, shape-shifters, Elvis, or messiahs, which immediately casts further doubt on the true nature of the man and his intent.

In fact we have been unable to locate any form of sugary-syrupy tripe to smooth the path of the bitter pill he gives you for free.

This indicates satanic Jewish Marxist intent, as stated in the King of the John Hill of Frank Herbert's Dune Which Did Feature Sting in the Movie version of the official BIBLE :

Kevin 7:7 Bewareth he that seek not to profit from thy knowing, lest ye contribute nothing to the divine act of the upwards circulation of metal'd yellow He did proclaim as gold.

....

Andrew 9:11 Bewareth he that conjureth not up the daemon Jew, lest ye become poisoned by real truths that shall not be true from your position of the opposite of love. He, The King, ELVIS, doth live in eternity, or he would have done had not the Jew done kill'd him.

Mainstream Conspiraloons #590 - Geraldo

The Conspiraloon's Cookbook p.47 - The Hallelujah Sandwich

I've just noticed the following comment underneath a blog post which tears into J(ew)7 for being a bunch of Zionist Shills, with all their blatantly Talmudic, fact-based, One Tru Messiah unfriendly, ways...


"Anonymous said...

Great article! It's about time someone exposed those so called 'truthseekers' who just do boring facty stuff.

If you're going to rip government lies apart its very important that you fill in all the blanks with stuff you just made up. Otherwise you're just shilling. The quicker truthseekers here on earth realise this the better.

As G*d is our judge, for he doth shine the light in all the nooks and crannies of the darkness of Satan.

Peace be with you, in you and all around you.

Amen all truth-seeking brothers."


I would, of course, love to share the link to the original article with my fellow Loons but only after the author comes to the full realisation that's Conspiraloon meat he's chewing on, between a couple of slices of fluffy half-baked Hallelujah

and, remember, you can never consider yourself a
True Loon until you've been accused of being a Zionist
shill by one bunch and Anti-Semitic by the other

.

Edit: And here's the original post. Caution, raw Truth™ when presented in these concentrations can become a highly hazardous substance and should only be consumed under the supervision of a suitably qualified professional

New World Order & Po Po Police - Durrty Goodz

Alex Jones talks Hezbollah and colostomy bags

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Still smarting from the savage pwning he received at the hands of Max Keiser a few weeks back, AJ has been licking his wounds and biding his time for his sequel to 'everyone knows the Arabs own Hollywood!!'

And here it is, proof, if it were needed, that Alex is still at the top of his Game...

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Because there's a war on for your nads

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Would you like to know more?


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DISClosure

WikiLeaks: new diplomatic cables contain UFO details, Julian Assange says

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I'm Spartacus!!

This is an Australian

A message from the Theophist™ Conspiratologist™ Thule™ Society for Truth™

And, in the TRUE™ tradition of THE WAY™ of all great SOCIETIES™, we've NICKed it all from somewhere else.

"Brothers and Sisters, let me speak to you about a topic so dear to my heart. And let it be heard by all those who accept the word of Jaysus. Hallelujah brothers and sisters, hallelujah.

I wanna speak to you brothers and sisters about the Jew. The Jew did fake the holohoax. Now you might hear your high falutin' reason and logic from so called historians and scientists and the people who were there, but we know it didn't happen. We got the good ol' National Socialist press, Lord praise 'em, tellin' us it ain't so. And I know a delousing chamber is identical in every single way to a homicidal gas chamber and no “reason” or “facts” can convince me otherwise.

We don't know how them Jews done hoaxed it, but we know Satan and his power. Satan did cast a veil over the eyes of the righteous and made it all fake and did send his imps with the folly of their "logic" and "reason" and "historical methodology" to deceive and confuse the the children of earth.

And the good Lord did speak to the National Socialist defenders of our national culture in all it's Anglo-Saxon goodness and he did tell them of Satan's deeds and of how the goddam reds are polluting our minds with critical theory. And how a careful reading of Adorno reveals he wants YOUR children to be Godless, binge-drinking, drug crazed homosexuals, corrupted by pop music and multiculturalism. Until all children of Jaysus unite for the good of the volk and overthrow the merciless power of the Jew and his cultural degeneracy, then society as we know it is doomed to a living hell of first person shooters invented by Marxists and school children visiting Auschwitz.

Now I ain't no Nazi

True enough, the Nazis fought the menace of the Global Jewish Conspiracy and taught Jews a lesson in knowing their place.

They understood the importance of national culture and the dread menace of multiculturalism

They understood the corruption and degeneracy of unwholesome popular music

They understood the dangers of being soft on commies (who are everywhere)

They understood the dangers of touchy-feely Jewish psychology

The understood the dangers of wishy-washy political correctness telling people they can't say what they damn well like about minority groups

The understood the need for a strong Christian culture, at least insofar as it suited their purposes

I ain't no Nazi, they just had a lot of good points

And remember this, brothers and sisters, and remember it well

If the Holocaust had added to real remorse, understanding, peace and love in the world I WOULD NOT HAVE A SINGLE WORD TO SAY AGAINST IT, even if I thought some part of the legend was not quite right. It’s influence would be benign.

That's right brothers and sisters. Because I don't like what I perceive the Holocaust has come to stand for, then it did not goddam happen and no-one can convince me otherwise. Such is wisdom, oh sweet Jaysus, oh my Lord

Brothers and sisters, the Holocaust is a religion. A religion of Satan. I am hear to spread the word of the new religion, the new Gospel, the new covenant with God. That religion is that Jews are responsible for everything. Jews faked the holohoax. I don't need to know how, where all those Jews went nor even know why I say the things I do. This is about faith, brothers and sisters, faith in the battle against the Jew and his master who is Satan, oh my Lord protect us.

I am no anti-semite.

All I'm saying to all the good Jews is that I care about them more than anyone, ever. And it is with the love and compassion of the lamb of God that I tenderly blame Jews for everything bad happening everywhere in the world because of the machinations of Satanic Jews that control everything. All evil in the world comes from Israel - I am not concerned about places like Africa or Central America because they don't have too many Jews in them. Anything bad that happens there will be because of Satanic Jews anyway.

The real anti-semites are the ones who don't blame Jews for everything as they are allowing Satan to manifest his power over them which he won't be able to do if we point out to them how evil they are.

And Satan's minions prevent us from questioning the holohoax at all. Obviously not in the country I live in, but it makes me feel like a real rebel when I say it. I am not concerned with countries that ban denial of communist crimes or even other genocides as it doesn't fit my religion to claim there must be something to hide as far as that's concerned. Indeed, banning denial of Nazi atrocities can only ever be about Jews and have nothing to do with anyone like Gypsies who I routinely ignore because my faith tells me it is so. It is all about Jews, and so shall it always be. Thus spaketh the Lord, glory to His name.

Should the Lord desire it, I would surely start a Holocaust truth movement to expose this immense evil of such monumental importance. But the Lord spoke to me through a small privet hedge that smoldered a bit and told me I couldn't be bothered and should insist it becomes part of the 911 truth movement instead. All praises be.

I say the Holocaust is a religion. I do not care about “history books” written by people who have no interest in mythologising it. I want to dispense with all false religions and for you all to embrace the true religion. And that is that Satanic Jews control the world and everyone should believe that and not worry about such pointless distractions about how things actually happen in the real world outside my imagination.

I want you now to raise your eyes to heaven and lift your voices in praise

Hallelujah!"

Silver and Gold

Cadaverous Gold Bug Max Keiser is going to take down JP Morgan, but he needs you to put your money where his mouth is.

nice jacket - lots of pockets for gold

I don't see how the good people at the house of Morgan are going to handle this onslaught, I just hope they don't turn it around and somehow end up making more money.
Of course, the weird karambanque hedge fund could do the same, imagine how much eu supplicant millionaire zac goldsmith could do in this noble cause.

Speaking for the rest of humanity,if you want to put your hand in our pocket Max, give our nuts a scratch while you're at it.

As regards the mystic metals, against which,all should be weighed;here's a man worth listening to.
Ladies and gentlemen; Burl Icle Ivanhoe Ives:

Silver, silver and gold
Silver and gold, silver and gold
Ev'ryone wishes for silver and gold
How do you measure its worth?
Just by the pleasure it gives here on earth.

Flippin' Eck

Parapolitics 101 - Lesson #7777 Tom Lehrer on "conspiracy theory"

"WASHINGTON — A secret history of the United States government’s Nazi-hunting operation concludes that American intelligence officials created a “safe haven” in the United States for Nazis and their collaborators after World War II, and it details decades of clashes, often hidden, with other nations over war criminals here and abroad."

Nazi Paperclip Paperweights Aplenty

"Dr. Josef Mengele, the so-called Angel of Death at Auschwitz, part of whose scalp was kept in a Justice Department official’s drawer;"

"The Justice Department has resisted making the report public since 2006."  You bet it has!

"In chronicling the cases of Nazis who were aided by American intelligence officials, the report cites help that C.I.A. officials provided in 1954 to Otto Von Bolschwing, an associate of Adolf Eichmann who had helped develop the initial plans “to purge Germany of the Jews” and who later worked for the C.I.A. in the United States. In a chain of memos, C.I.A. officials debated what to do if Von Bolschwing were confronted about his past — whether to deny any Nazi affiliation or “explain it away on the basis of extenuating circumstances,” the report said. "

SADS Victim Von Bolschwing

"The Justice Department, after learning of Von Bolschwing’s Nazi ties, sought to deport him in 1981. He died that year at age 72."  Thereby conveniently avoiding all that negative publicity that might have arisen around the deportation proceedings.

Fry Me To the Moon Again (casually  like, just in passing)

"The report also examines the case of Arthur L. Rudolph, a Nazi scientist who ran the Mittelwerk munitions factory. He was brought to the United States in 1945 for his rocket-making expertise under Operation Paperclip, an American program that recruited scientists who had worked in Nazi Germany. (Rudolph has been honored by NAZA and is credited as the father of the Saturn V rocket.)"

Until this exclusive report, nobody knew of the silly conspiracy theory about NAZI/OSS/CIA ties.

"The Justice Department itself sometimes concealed what American officials knew about Nazis in this country, the report found."

That's justice in the land of the free (to work all hours or starve)!

And now for a musical interlude.  More fragments of the full story here at Loon Grand Central, the New York Times.

Life of Brian - The Missing Bits (well, some of them) aka Whatever happened to Otto the Nazirene?

The very real very threatening threat of the very real very bomb-like bomb dogs

Years ago this would have been recognised as a parody, but we're NOW living in the NEW NORMAL NWO. In the NEW NORMAL NWO, parody is more real than what is actually real, if we knew what was real to begin with.

Kamikaze canines: The sick Iraqi terrorist plot to bomb a U.S. plane with an exploding DOG | Mail Online

The sickness is the cure.

Economics 101 - Lesson #11 QE Explained

Parapolitics 101 - Lesson #9 QI Explained

Parapolitics 101 - Lesson #9 QI Explained

QI: Can you believe they put an arse on the moon?

"CONSPIRACY" ARSES NOT AS APPEALING AS "NORMAL" ARSES!!

Thanks to idle, wholly unscripted comedy banter the truth can be at last be known!

Chemtrail 3: The Even Newer Batch

Shillebrity Death Match - Max Keiser vs. Alex Jones

Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the Truthiest of them all?

It's a heavyweight bout between Max and Alex

Jones won his previous challenge with a knock-out assertion that 'the Arabs own Hollywood!!!' but Max has got some special moves of his own

Place your bets and scroll forward 4 minutes in to see which of the these two Infowarriors is going to leave his opponent speechless...

That's a knockout @4.24

Well done Max!

The cheque's in the post and the negatives aren't

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Chemtrail 2: The New Batch

You've got a bad attitude

You've got a bad attitude, nigger

as hubert selby scolded the inmate in his requiem for a dream cameo.



Have you, or any of your friends and neighbours, a bad attitude?

It's saturday afternoon, and here are the results

This is the problem:


A domesticated animal, trained to expect certain favours in exchange for a certain performance. He has got so used to being trained, he can't even understand why his bowl is empty.
He's so fucking stupid,he doesn't realise his masters have chosen a new kind of dog catcher. Obviously, this is going to require changes.

Changes always have to hurt, we are told.

Dreamy, personable fascist; iain duncan smith has compressed his natural prejudices with the vivisectionist american right and resolved that the problem is not lack of employment, but lack of employability!

This is a one term government, they are committed to as much as possible in the neoliberal agenda; and they will fuck off and leave the trusty hound's bowl empty.
Their bowls will be replete, a ghastly sociological,psychiatric mirror of the vices they publicly deplore.
They will sit back and enjoy the sport.
In these troubled times, maybe popular music should be taken more seriously

Have you seen this man?

Activist Mark Stone

Strange thing about Mark, he's a copper. I imagine his superiors will be furious when they find out about his antics.
Full fascinating story here

Today's the Day

Mainstream Conspiraloons #207 - Lord James of Blackheath

Now here's something you don't read every day...

"For the past 20 weeks I have been engaged in a very strange dialogue with the two noble Lords, in the course of which I have been trying to bring to their attention the willing availability of a strange organisation which wishes to make a great deal of money available to assist the recovery of the economy in this country. For want of a better name, I shall call it foundation X. That is not its real name, but it will do for the moment. Foundation X was introduced to me 20 weeks ago last week by an eminent City firm, which is FSA controlled. Its chairman came to me and said, "We have this extraordinary request to assist in a major financial reconstruction. It is megabucks, but we need your help to assist us in understanding whether this business is legitimate". I had the biggest put down of my life from my noble friend Lord Strathclyde when I told him this story. He said, "Why you? You're not important enough to have the answer to a question like that". He is quite right, I am not important enough, but the answer to the next question was, "You haven't got the experience for it". Yes I do. I have had one of the biggest experiences in the laundering of terrorist money and funny money that anyone has had in the City. I have handled billions of pounds of terrorist money."

Lord James is 72

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A tribute to Mark Regev

An important message from Randy Quaid

Guest Post: Craig Murray

It's been quiet for a while at the Conspiraloon Alliance. This is due, obviously, to the fact that since the last important missives from outside the realms of sanity were issued, everything in the world has been fine and dandy.

Regular readers from the olden days will be pleased to learn that the importance of what we do has been recognised far and wide among the lords and masters we never chose, and we have not suffered as a result of the government quango budget cuts.

Now that wasting precious materials printing money faster than Toys R Us can stock up on Monopoly boards is the height of fashion, it's probably about time to dust off the straw men and restart the circuses.

If you're expecting bread too, even though we're all in this together you're on your own with that one.

But still, chins up, keep calm and carry on. Don't you know there's a war or two on?

To remind us why there's war or two on, and to mark the occasion of the reopening of the Conspiraloon Alliance Circus and Freakshow, what better way to start than a Special Guest post from none other than Former Ambassador to Usbekistheroin, Craig Murray.

So without further ado, here's Craig.............

Sky News Exclusive - Inside the World of the Taliban Sandbank Squads

BIGGER THAN 9/11

MOD sources have revealed exclusively to Sky that the Taliban attack on HMS Astute could have been "Bigger Than 9/11". As Sky correspondent Adam Ramsay was told exclusively by Taliban commander Hilal-al-Wemadeituppy, a crack Taliban team planted the Improvised Sandbank Device that almost destroyed HMS Astute on Friday.

HMS Astute Disabled By Deadly Taliban ISD Attack

Now MOD and security service sources have told Sky security correspondent Oswald Moseley that this attack was potentially "Bigger than 9/11". This is the 435th such potentially bigger than 9/11 attack since 9/11.

Sky can exclusively reveal that, if the contact with the Improvised Sandbank Device or ISD had caused an explosion in the nuclear reactor on board HMS Astute, it could have wiped out the two hundred million people living on the North West Coast of Scotland.

John Reid, former Home Secretary, told Sky News that this was evidence that the Islamic threat was now potentially more destructive than a full scale nuclear war with China.

AN OVERWHELMING CASE FOR 196 DAY DETENTION

Lord Blair, formerly Head of the Metropolitan police, believes that Britian must now strengthen anti-terrorism legislation and re-open investigations into thousands of Muslims who have been searched or arrested and released.

"In the past we have concentrated on looking for potential bomb ingredients like sugar or domestos. We now realise that many suspected terrorist houses, where insufficient evidence could be found for a prosecution, in fact contained sand. This was often found in the garden. It was very often cunningly disguised as a playpit. All reasonable people must deplore the use of children as a front for terrorism. We believe that sand may also have been cunningly incorporated into the very fabric of some of these homes."

Sky News can exclusively reveal that Lord Blair's remarks have reopened debate on the vexed question of Detention Without Charge. Top security analyst Rupert Mussolini believes that the sandbank threat proves suspects should be detained for much longer periods to give the police time to think up a ludicrous pretext. "If you are going to bang people up without reason for 28 days, why not 196?" he asks.

BRITISH MUSLIMS IN SECRET AL-QAIDA TRAINING CAMPS

In the past, it has been revealed exclusively by Sky News that Muslims engaged in any form of sport or outdoor activity, such as skiing or white water rafting, are actually engaged in Al-Qaida team building exercises. Only now do we realise the full extent of such activity in intensive training camps actually here in the UK to give secret training in the preparation of Improvised Sandbank Devices (ISDs).

Deadly Sandbank Training

HISTORICAL ROOTS

Military historian Andrew Mengele has explained exclusively to Sky News that Muslims would be incapable of thinking up a tactic like the Impovised Sandbank Device (ISD) for themselves, but were taught it by the British.

Dr Mengele explained "Many military historians like myself beliive that the Improvised Sandbank Device, or ISD as we military historians call it, was intoduced into Islamic culture by that great master tactician of guerilla warfare, Lawrence of Arabia".

Lawrence of Arabia With Prototype Sandbank

IRA LINK TO AL-QAIDA

In an interesting twist, Sky's Northern Ireland correspondent John Knoxkingbilly can exclusively reveal to Sky viewers that the security services in Northern Ireland believe that the ISD provides further evidence of tactical and ideological linkages between al-Qaida and the IRA.

The Riddle of the Sands

There is, apparently, no end to the fanaticism of the Taliban menace, of which the Improvised Sandbank Device is but the latest manifestation of an infinite threat. In the chilling words of Taliban Commander Hilal-al-Wemadeituppy, talking exclusively to our Chief Correspondent Adam Ramsay, "We will fight them with the beaches, Inshallah".

No Guarantees

Military Intelligence warns us that the mysterious Al Qaeda has thought up yet another way to fulfil its avowed mission to stop global warming by the reckless use of human flight!
One we have no defence against!!

This is what you will not see coming

By ruthlessly placing bombs inside their own bodies (probably in some high technology cave) they can outwit the very latest in modern intrusion technology.
The scanner manufacturers deeply regret this, but what do you expect for the money?
Still, they're slightly more effective than the empty boxes british industry has been flogging to areas where there is a more immediate threat

Scientist shares his fears

Grandly categorised evolutionary paleobiologist, Simon Conway Morris, will reveal to a paying audience that,in his opinion, our visitors might be less like this:
and more like this:
Shit.
Fuck.
How will we tell the difference?