Checkpoint Charlie

"It was really strange"

the trim, muscular member of the defence force recounted

"I explained to him that it wasn't necessary, but he insisted!"

"He turned his back, assumed the position and dropped his trousers in front of us all! Throughout the procedure, despite the occasional whimper, he kept saying how it made him feel wanted."

He paused to remove his soiled and bloody surgical glove.

"Afterwards he apologised for that journalist we had to sort out the other week and thanked us for all the help with operation kratos. We thought that was that, but the mouth breathing cunt just wouldn't go. He offered us an unsold copy of 'Courage' and 'Britain's Everyday Heroes'*. His suitcase was full of them. Enough to crush a gazan house, already! Sensing our unease, he pointed out there was no mention of palestinians in them. They looked a bit boring, but he was so so pitiful, we took them anyway. "

"Then it just got worse...he started blathering on about his dad....How they had watched terrorist super 8 films together as father and son.... About how much the scotch had in common with the chosen people... no written constitution, nuclear weapons, unruly natives, threatened by iran etc... As he droned on, I really began to wonder if Eretz Yisrael needed 'friends' like this...I mean, the money, weapons and political cover are handy, but why do they have to act so chummy? Doesn't he have any friends of his own? It's just fucking embarrassing sometimes."

"We finally packed him off by explaining our torture and harassment targets that day. He said he fully understood how important it was to hit targets...

"but only if they're over 12!"

...We all had a laugh at that...Then, thank yahweh, he finally fucked off to give his fund raising speech to the Knesset."

"Funny little chap....I don't think we'll be seeing him around here again".

*A book about private equity managers, non domicile tax dodgers and war criminals

BANK Holiday Blue Monday, by New World Order

You say it's raining but you're pissing down my back.

Of course, they all only say this stuff because they're idiots that like the sound of their own voices. None of it means anything and none of it has any significance, especially when they keep repeating it over and over. Thankfully, otherwise we'd all be fucked.

Film Special

The Alliance's notoriously unreliable show business sources inform us that the cruelly overrated Sacha Baron Cohen is all set to exhume his hit comedy character 'Borat' in a sequel set in present day Gaza.

Mr Cohen ,whose 'modus hilarity' might well be described as 'by way of deception', is clearly concerned about the rise of anti semitism there.

"It's a responsibility I cannot shirk." said the oscar nominee. "It's close to my home in Tel Aviv and the economic situation means I can pay even less than those peasants got in Romania".

Ever the optimist, and a great believer in the healing power of laughter, he continued:

"One of the great things is I can re-use so much material! I can appear at a burst sewage tank and shout 'It's all the fucking jews' while dancing around the children drowned in shit."

"If someone gets hit by an airstrike I'll say 'This is jew work', that way they'll realise it's their own fault!"

He remains aware that the situation on the ground might pose some production problems:

"It'll be hard to work in the 'Throw a jew down the well' song, as there isn't any drinking water in that area anymore" the perfectionist reflected morosely.

Naturally, there's a serious side to this comedy zionist's project:
Through his light hearted strategy, he hopes to enlighten the residents of Gaza regarding their resentment of the chosen people. He says of his character:

"By himself being anti-Semitic, he lets people lower their guard and expose their own prejudice, whether it's anti-Semitism or an acceptance of anti-Semitism. I want them to realise this before we finally get rid of them all"

Some might wonder if his unique brand of humour will be relevant amongst the carnage of a military occupation and the brutal privations of illegal collective punishment by Israel's army.
The supremacist golden globe winner was quick to counter:

"Before I worked at Goldman Sachs I studied the Holocaust at Cambridge, and this situation is completely different from the Warsaw Ghetto. I don't have to point out there are no jews inside Gaza"


Visibly moved, he tugged at his director's cut schindler's list t-shirt and explained how he wanted to reach out, past their worthless parents, to Gaza's young. He hoped they would join his youth club - Habonim Dror.

"We don't sit around feeling sorry for ourselves just because we have no food or electricity" he says passionately "...we learn about leadership, the genocide in Darfur and how brave soldiers die trying to steal Lebanon's water"

Both Labour and Conservative 'Enemies of Palestine' parliamentary pressure groups are as enthusiastic about this project as they are about the liberation of Gaza's gas deposits from their rightful owners. They urged Gordon Brown to support it. In response, the fat cunt reiterated part of last years speech to them:

"When I was growing up, Kirkcaldy and Tel Aviv were linked very closely because my father used to spend many weeks in Israel...I learned very young of the struggles, the sacrifices the achievements of the new state of Israel and, as long as they're writing the cheques, the Palestinians can go fuck themselves."

Horrific Photgraphs of murdered palestinians courtesy of Progressive Independent

Joining the dots-one of an endless series

Connecting the "dots" is one of the few truly human pleasures left to the depraved personality that comprises a genuine conspiraloon.
Upon my return from my latest alien abduction, I was struck by the sheer weirdness of the information presented by the hated mainstream media. Nothing in my newly minted dental implants could explain what what was presented before me!
I therefore throw myself on the mercy and generosity that is the hallmark of the gentle conspiraloon community!
The first question that that vexed me was of the motivations of our middle east envoy to stand shoulder to shoulder with this monster?

Tony Blair is widening his post-premiership portfolio by becoming an unpaid adviser to the Rwandan government of President Kagame.

What on earth can our former prime minster can have in common with:

• A Ugandan military leader who used terrorist activity to attack a sovereign government?
• Who is suspected of assassinating his political rivals?
• Trained by the american military?
• Responsible fo the deaths of hundreds and thousands of innocent people?
• A leader who imprisons opponents without evidence or trial?
• Internally displaced a million people in the country he invaded?
• Created over a million refugees from the country he 'liberated'?
• A keen tennis player and football fan?

Beats me.............