Mainstream Conspiraloons #120 - Matthew Parris megablast

Matthew Parris: Out of his tits

The next 20 scandals. So you won’t be shocked

1 Many prison officers are complicit in the supply of drugs within prisons. How else do I reconcile what’s common knowledge — that drug use is rife in prison — with the almost abusive security checks I’ve undergone when I visits friends in prison? Among the reasons for these checks must sometimes be the protection of a monopoly.

2 Nothing like a real competitive market exists among banks or energy suppliers. They are classic cartels, robbing their customers.

3 Many sporting records that still stand — and not just in cycling — have been fuelled by performance-enhancing drugs. Have you noticed the plateauing or even dropping off of many winning times, including in my own former sport of long-distance running? This is because of anti-drug enforcement. There will be more and much bigger stories here than have yet been told.

4 Insider trading. It’s absolutely endemic. In many spheres and all sorts of ways within the financial world, nothing even approaching a free, fair or open market exists. The protection and enhancement of entrenched advantage is, to a far greater degree than capitalist competition, the key dynamic in many markets.

5 The stock exchange has all but lost its original purpose — the financing of new business — and become a turbo-charged, non-stop poker school for a huge, wealthy, essentially unproductive and largely parasitic class. Unfortunately for my argument, Britain makes a lot of money from this...

Lots more here

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Mainstream Conspiraloons #734 - Greece

The BBC's Paul Mason... rumbled

Athens, Greece, on the outskirts of a riot, 1500BST:

"...it's not a problem for me and my colleagues to be hounded off demos as "representatives of big capital", "Zionists", "scum and police informers" etc. But to get this reaction from almost every demographic - from balaclava kids to pensioners - should be a warning sign to the policymaking elite. The "mainstream" - whether it's the media, politicians or business people - is beginning to seem illegitimate to large numbers of people.

As one old bloke put it to me, when I said: "Don't you want us to report what's happening to you?" - "No."

He was quite calm and rational as he waved his hand in my face: "It's too late for that."

Mainstream Conspiraloons #141 - Robert De Niro

Mainstream Conspiraloons #590 - Geraldo

Mainstream Conspiraloons #207 - Lord James of Blackheath

Now here's something you don't read every day...

"For the past 20 weeks I have been engaged in a very strange dialogue with the two noble Lords, in the course of which I have been trying to bring to their attention the willing availability of a strange organisation which wishes to make a great deal of money available to assist the recovery of the economy in this country. For want of a better name, I shall call it foundation X. That is not its real name, but it will do for the moment. Foundation X was introduced to me 20 weeks ago last week by an eminent City firm, which is FSA controlled. Its chairman came to me and said, "We have this extraordinary request to assist in a major financial reconstruction. It is megabucks, but we need your help to assist us in understanding whether this business is legitimate". I had the biggest put down of my life from my noble friend Lord Strathclyde when I told him this story. He said, "Why you? You're not important enough to have the answer to a question like that". He is quite right, I am not important enough, but the answer to the next question was, "You haven't got the experience for it". Yes I do. I have had one of the biggest experiences in the laundering of terrorist money and funny money that anyone has had in the City. I have handled billions of pounds of terrorist money."

Lord James is 72

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Conspiracy Nut Speaks Out at Sinister Gathering

Taking time out from clearing up the mess Hamas caused by being democratically elected, our former prime minister bravely trousered a large speaking fee to share his demented worldview.
In a wild tale, he spoke of dark forces ranged against western civilisation,revealing the conspiracy's bloody,beating heart to be a group known only as

'The Iranians!!!'.

The venue for this outpouring of hatred was the Al Smith Memorial Dinner, an event open to anyone who ponied up the nominal £500 fee.
Mr Smith is fondly remembered as a staunch member of the Liberty League, who patriotically schemed to overthrow Franklin Delano Roosevelt back in the thirties.
Cardinal Egan, a flamboyant dresser (who, if he wasn't celibate, would definitely not be gay), introduced the speaker , noting that Winston Churchill was the last British prime minister to kill iraqi civilians and talk at this event. The speech exhibited all the hallmarks of our middle east envoy's dark obsessions, and remained clinically detached from reality throughout.

"if you ever need a babysitter..."

A transcript has yet to be found by the Alliance Laboratories, but when we do, we'll translate it into english from the original rubbish. Meanwhile here's a few morsels:

"There is a tendency even now, even in some of our own circles, to believe that they are as they are because we have provoked them and if we left them alone they would leave us alone. I fear this is mistaken!!!"

As an accomplished performer, he knew he had to give the audience what it wanted:

"This ideology now has a state - Iran - that is prepared to back and finance terror in the pursuit of destabilising countries whose people live to wish in peace!!!"

and further warned against

"rising fascism!!!*"

Alarmingly, he displayed the confusion found normally in the senile, wandering off subject to say:

“Analogies especially with the rise of fascism can be misleading but, in pure chronology, I sometimes wonder if we’re not in the 1920s, if not the 1930s, I fear.”

His words, according to the cardinal, 'lifted hearts' amongst the audience.
Who will stand with those brave, lonely souls, whose only wish is to bring the peace of the smouldering, atomic grave to Iran's oppressed?
After this sobering speech, I know one man who will.

*he might be looking in the wong place

Darkness in New Middle Earth

The newswires are glowing red hot concerning extremist activity in New Zealand. As usual these cases provide valuable information on how to identify these hotheads. A mere 300 kiwi plods took only a year to infiltrate and gather evidence on over 16 * of these miscreants. The focus seems to be on the character Tame Iti

(parental guidance!!! scary bad guy pic coming up).

"Mr Iti at his most relaxed"

Tame shuns the traditional interests of his community (substance abuse, unemployment, being in prison, suicide) and

"advocates full Maori independence"

Don't confuse him with this man:
who also shuns the traditional interests of his community (substance abuse, unemployment, being in prison, suicide) and

"advocates full Scotch Independence"

One is a bad guy and the other isn't**.

Extremist awareness fans like ourselves will recognise these tell-tale signs supplied by chief kiwi copper, Howard Broad:

The numbers of people attending the camps had been in the "tens", he said.

The people involved had been of varying ethnicities, with a raft of different "motivations" for attending.

Training involved the use of firearms and other weapons for "military-style" activity***.

wost of all, the telegraph adds:

Those arrested included environmental protesters and so-called peace activists.

*17 is the full terrifying number
**This may depend on membership of the Scotch Labour Party.
***Lucky bastards,our lot have to make do with imaginary firearms

The Full English vs The Full Muslim

As our brave lads on the Solent have pointed out:

"Whilst it is almost impossible to say with any certainty what a terrorist might look like, an individual’s activity or behaviour can become suspicious in the context of the location they are in. "

The latest terror trial has already given us vital pointers to these wily characters. You can be fairly sure you're dealing with one if they meet these scientific benchmarks:

• Assumed name: Treat with caution anyone who introduces themselves as 'Osama bin London' as they may not be all they seem
• Menacing behaviour: If they make veiled threats such as 'I've got a bomb and I'm going to blow you all up', you might well have one of these radical rascals on your hands.
• Bad company: Often surrounded by shady characters, 'Mr Hamid's home was bugged by the security services and an undercover police officer penetrated the group's activities'
• Inexplicable activity: Watch out for bizarre child like behaviour '...seen to adopt positions from which they fired imaginary weapons and pretended to remove the pin from grenades before throwing them...'
• Strange Diet: The real giveaway is cultural. If they talk about this:
  

When you're talking about this:

"not even a breakfast for me"

It is almost certain something's not quite right.

I feel, in my very marrow, that further vital information is to be gleaned from these proceedings. We are gaining an insight into a terrifying world but, as they say at the end of crimewatch:

"You are far more likely to be sexually molested by someone known to you, than a victim of terror."

Keep your eyes peeled, brothers and sisters!!

Idiot joins legal organisation, does nothing, then leaves legal organisation

Forget about faking phone-ins, mocking our monarch and cynically renaming cats! This,brothers and sisters, is what we pay our colour television license for:

Intro: 'Hello, I'm Jeremy Vine and I'm a cunt, presenting a programme about some Cambridge prick, for wankers who swallow all this shit about muslims taking over Denmark UK THE WORLD. Enjoy!'*

Part One: Idiot radicalised by colour television.



Part Two: Scary Foreigners speaking foreign languages, idiot does nothing


Part Three: Idiot de-radicalised by colour television.


*first draft of shooting script, not included in broadcast edit