MPs to demonstrate 42 days not so bad after all

In an unprecedented move to reassure the public that six weeks internment on the basis of no good reason that can be demonstrated is the right thing to do, a cross-party coalition featuring all serving MPs has agreed to spend 42 days and nights in 8' x 4' windowless cells. The coalition of MPs have renamed and re-branded themselves as Military Prisoners for the duration of the stunt in honour of the monarchic fascist regime for which they are puppets and which introduced six weeks internment.

The MPs have agreed to be arrested at the points of several sub-machine guns in dramatic 4:30am dawn raids. The guns and small arms such as harmless 50,000 volt ticklers tasers will be wielded by at least one State marksman who has killed before, either by design or by accident. Mock state broadcasts will be aired as part of the overnight coverage from the Big Brother house. Newsreaders will pretend to become actors for the day and will announce shocking headlines via TV, radio, free daily newspapers and the Internet. An insider supplied the alliance with the notes from the made-up news brainstorming. Headlines include:

• "Police get tough on real terrorists"
• "The Revolution Happened and the Filthy Bastards are all Locked Up"
• "Dodgy Donors Investigation: FUCK ME THEY'RE ALL AT IT"

The raids will require the deployment of the entire British Police Force in around 650 coordinated raids on a date unknown to the Military Prisoners or their mistresses and call girls.

A spokesman for the Home Office, who asked not to be named said, "What's the fuss about? 42 days is less than two Februaries and February is the shortest month of the year." When pressed the spokesman added, "February always flies by so two Februaries in quick succession would fly by too. Only half as quickly, I suppose." Jaqui later described in detail a fabulous pair of Manolo Blahniks she found dumpster diving for stray Qhat in Notting Hill while under the influence of the killer munchies killer drug Super Skunk.


Keith Vaz, leader of the Military Prisoners and happy to talk to anyone about why everyone that isn't him should be locked up, even though there are probably plenty of better reasons to lock him up, said: "If you have nothing to hide, you have nothing to fear." He added, "Look at us, for example. As MPs we've not hidden that many of us are by word and deed priapic Lothario war criminals and corporate shills on the payrolls of the highest bidders and we're as free as you like. Examplars of freedom." Keith was still talking long after everyone had gone away.

Keith Baz, a minicab driver and the only bastard to answer our questions, said: "Support your government. Everything they do, they do it for you. Or at least, with you, or at least some of you, in mind. Douglas Adams said 42 was the answer and he was alright. I think."

Sleeper Cell or Dozy Bastards?

A terrorist instructor who called himself Osama bin London has been convicted, along with three of his followers, of organising al-Qaida style training camps across Britain!!
Great Britain's melons are safe once again from this curiously named fellow. The article states:

he verdicts were returned last Wednesday but were under a reporting restriction until today.

These restrictions were lifted for a short while, for some baffling reason, during chief plod Lionel Blair's (above) strange premonitions about the need to lock up people he didn't like, for as long as he liked.

Only the most ungenerous of us would say these two things were coordinated. But as I am as mean spirited as the next conspiranoid, I strongly suspect they were.

After Lionel's attempt to bounce the debate foundered, the restrictions were reimposed. Perhaps it was to spare the public any reports of the defense case. More likely it had something to do with the extremely poor quality of the 'terrorists' dredged up here. During the five month trial,( the culmination of a two year investigation):

"The jury heard no evidence of weapons or explosives"

So they had five fucking months of:

"prosecution relied on MI5 surveillance tapes and recordings made by an undercover police officer who penetrated the London-based jihadist cell."

i.e A load of idiots talking shit and arseing about to absolutely no effect. In the whole two years they were being watched, they didn't manage to get together:

• Any weapons
• Any money
• Any 'chilling' plans for 'unimaginable carnage'
  
• Any deadly explosives

Strangely, these covert cartoon characters:

• Agree to appear on television*
• Get paid for appearing on television*
• Tell glamorous reporter Nasreen Suleaman about their 21/7 pals*

Nasreen (above - with wonky eye) who specialises in stitching up muslims terroristic matters was strangely uninterested when Mr London said he knew the identities of the 21/7 nonabombers.
She said:

“I don’t think it’s my obligation to tell another adult that he should go to the police.”

Hardly what you expect from elite BBC journalists. Then again you wouldn't expect her to hand over £300 sterling of precious licence payers money to these rascals.

But Nasreen is no ordinary journalist. She seems to have focused solely on muslim bad boys and her workrate resembles jd salinger on ketamine. This, at least, leaves her plenty of time to hang out at the Foreign and Commonwealth Office. The Antagonist gives these matters a far more rigorous shoeing here.

Anyway, our scarecrows did manage to:

• Leopard crawl
• Ghost walk
• Carry sticks
• Callously chop up melons - and eat them!!!
  
• Throw imaginary grenades
• Make themselves as conspicuous as possible
• Compile plenty of material to show these antics across a variety of media
  
• Allow in an undercover agent (oops!)
  

All these things are very useful for urban terrorism, I'm sure. Probably in all those internet terror manuals people get banged up for life over (apart from letting the informant in).

They might have been better off craftily enrolling in the Marva Program.
It's primarily organised around killing palestinians, but the principles are just as useful to canny jihadis.
The benefits are obvious:

• free haircut
• proper uniforms
• Meet people who actually bomb and kill the innocent
  
• Get to use real guns
• Absolutely zero chance of getting nicked

"healthy fun for youngsters"

On the bright side, if these lads are as incompetent as they seem, perhaps we could scale back the 'WarOnTerror', perhaps just to a few 'Specials'?

But dare we take that chance?!?!?!?!?

You decide, brothers and sisters!

*More on these stranger than fiction truths at J7