Are you READY for 2012??

This Junior Conspiranaut is ready for it prepared

ARE YOU?

A perfect opportunity to keep abreast of the latest in 2012 research and cutting edge thinking

...and then sit back and do fuck all about anything for the next four years

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and remember

2012 Research is not a distraction

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A new cosmic download from God

As everyone knows, the Queen™ is hooked on YouTube and has a YouTube electrickery machine attached to the complex system of Messianic pipes in every study in all her hices (sic).

The Messiah™, never one to miss a cross-media marketing advertising and PRopaganda opportunity, demonstrates how to cut together a load of hastily cobbled together old shit, recorded under duress at gunpoint, into a divine revelation.

Something Must Be Done

Can we allow another bleak winter under smurf hegemony?

UN kingpin Kee-th Moon has called for the international community to take strong action against the newly designated rogue state of Smurfland.

"By harbouring one of our most valuable stooges the worst war criminals since Adolf Hitler, these monsters are shitting on the graves of every humanitarian soldier."

As is normal in these matters, a vulnerable minority has been brought the world's attention. The democratic, peace loving group selected are called 'The Tweets'. They once united Europe in song, but now know abject misery beneath the iron heel of smurf supremacism. We forgot them once, as we all too often do with one hit wonders, but never again!

Feargal Keane, whose lachrymose talents have solved countless african droughts, reports from their embattled enclave:

"The ground, strewn with broken eggshells and gaily coloured feathers...savagely plucked from some bird's breast...tell us all we need to know. "
"In this village, these are all that is left of this tuneful community."
"One young tweetling can no longer sing his beloved 'birdie song'. Tragically, we could only film him perform a karaoke version of 'The End'. "
"When has that gloomy pop group 'The Doors' meant so much, to so many? "

"It says it all about life under Smurfdom"

bongo and chris unite!

Musicians worldwide have rallied round their persecuted harmonic brethren. Lily allen has promised to post something on her myspace page sometime. Forbes magazine owner Bongo was unequivocal in his condemnation:

"The Tweets were always the Elvis of music to me."
"The tax regime these artists have to endure is totally unacceptable. "
"I call for the security council to buy a cache of RED branded 'Stinger Missiles' for these brave souls. "
"The Smurfs shall know the bitter taste of our humanitarian steel!"
"Peace, and no file sharing with terrorist drug dealers"

Strong words indeed from the doyen of managerial rock!

Contemporary gloomy pop star, Chris Evans of Coldplay, pledged to host a consciousness raising event. 'Tweetamont' will hammer home our mock avians' misery to the western middle classes.
He dismissed the 'cynics' who brand him a complete wanker, countering:

"Look what we did with Live Earth! They said it was a pointless, self indulgent promotion of an elite hoax. But now, just one year later, its fucking freezing!"

"That's people power, man"

World faith leader Tony Blair took time out from earning money, adding his effeminate voice to the bandwagon cause:

"Our quarrel is not with the Smurf people themselves, but their hideous socialist regime. While I deplore violence, if they don't hand over this monster I say..."

"Kill them all!"

Hide in Plain Sight

The hated mainstream media claim to have tracked down controversial balkan strongman Radovan Karadisc. However, only our Conspiraloon Earth™ technology has been able to pinpoint his true location, and reveal his new identity!


The lack of an extradition treaty with Smurfland poses grave obstacles to the forces of international justice. We must prepare ourselves for tough economic sanctions and eventual invasion of this rogue state...If necessary wiping it off the map, as we did with Yugoslavia.

Fighting and Winning

Words of encouragement from the aristocratic wing of the human power elite:

Conspiracy theories are a convenient way for those who sympathise with terrorist aims to dodge moral responsibility for terrorist acts.

The same people claim that the twin towers were brought down by the CIA or Mossad.

Let’s also be clear.

Extremism is not confined to any particular religious or ethnic group.

During protests against the conflict in Lebanon, we witnessed the nauseating sight of well-scrubbed, middle class English people…

…marching through central London holding placards that read ‘We are all Hizbollah’.

That is the extremist mindset in action.

These are the same people who urge a boycott of Israeli goods and academics…

…while saying nothing about China, Iran or Zimbabwe.

Unless we challenge such attitudes and expose them for the morally-bankrupt nonsense they are…

…they will spread through the body politic and become the received wisdom of millions.

There you have it, brothers and sisters.
The power structure realises the deadly threat of widespread disgust at elite criminality conspiropower.
They see where our masterplan leads, and their fear is palpable.

"It's afraid!"

Checkpoint Charlie

"It was really strange"

the trim, muscular member of the defence force recounted

"I explained to him that it wasn't necessary, but he insisted!"

"He turned his back, assumed the position and dropped his trousers in front of us all! Throughout the procedure, despite the occasional whimper, he kept saying how it made him feel wanted."

He paused to remove his soiled and bloody surgical glove.

"Afterwards he apologised for that journalist we had to sort out the other week and thanked us for all the help with operation kratos. We thought that was that, but the mouth breathing cunt just wouldn't go. He offered us an unsold copy of 'Courage' and 'Britain's Everyday Heroes'*. His suitcase was full of them. Enough to crush a gazan house, already! Sensing our unease, he pointed out there was no mention of palestinians in them. They looked a bit boring, but he was so so pitiful, we took them anyway. "

"Then it just got worse...he started blathering on about his dad....How they had watched terrorist super 8 films together as father and son.... About how much the scotch had in common with the chosen people... no written constitution, nuclear weapons, unruly natives, threatened by iran etc... As he droned on, I really began to wonder if Eretz Yisrael needed 'friends' like this...I mean, the money, weapons and political cover are handy, but why do they have to act so chummy? Doesn't he have any friends of his own? It's just fucking embarrassing sometimes."

"We finally packed him off by explaining our torture and harassment targets that day. He said he fully understood how important it was to hit targets...

"but only if they're over 12!"

...We all had a laugh at that...Then, thank yahweh, he finally fucked off to give his fund raising speech to the Knesset."

"Funny little chap....I don't think we'll be seeing him around here again".

*A book about private equity managers, non domicile tax dodgers and war criminals

Logo of the month

Can you tell what it is yet?

Multimedia video clues:

La Conspiration Mondial part deux

Are you sitting comfortably? Then we'll begin

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Liquid Bombshell

My black heart sank upon reading this headline*

Three admit liquid bomb plot charges!!!

However it soared to new depths when examining the content!

Three men accused of plotting a series of terrorist attacks on transatlantic jets today admitted conspiracy to cause explosions...The men also admitted conspiring to cause a public nuisance by distributing videos threatening suicide bomb attacks in Britain.
However, the three do not admit conspiracy to murder.

They said a small explosion at the Houses of Parliament, in which no one would be hurt, would act as a publicity stunt to draw attention to the programme.

All a bit different from:

The three are on trial with five other defendants, charged with conspiring to murder thousands of people by smuggling home-made liquid bombs on to passenger jets.

Reading the headline alone might lead you to mistakenly believe this liquid bomb carry-on had been proven in court to be very real!

*now updated to the equally misleading: Three admit airline bomb plot charges

All Hands On Deck

So, you believe in conspiracy theories, do you? You probably also think you're the Emperor of Pluto

BBC hit pieces not enough to deter the conspiratorial menace? Serious minded journalists unavailable? Why not throw in some side splitting stuff from an acknowledged expert of what's on colour television?

Imagine the paperwork. Imagine the level of planning, recruitment, coordination, control, and unbelievable nerve required to pull off a conspiracy of that magnitude. Really picture it in detail. At the very least you're talking about hiring hundreds of civil servants cold-hearted enough to turn a blind eye to the murder of thousands of their fellow countrymen. If you were dealing with faultless, emotionless robots - maybe. But this almighty conspiracy was presumably hatched and executed by fallible humans. And if there's one thing we know about humans, it's that our inherent unreliability will always derail the simplest of schemes.

The only argument with this thought experiment, is that the official conspiracy only requires 19 people, why should an unofficial one require any more?

They mumble about the "controlled demolition" of WTC 7 (oft referred to as "the third tower"), or posit the notion that the Bush administration knew 9/11 was coming and let it happen anyway

The only argument with this is that the 3rd tower is irrelevant. It has nothing to do with the events of that fateful day we must never forget to unquestioningly accept. No planes hit it. It just fell down by coincidence, and therefore has no place in any theory. Indeed, the official report gave it little attention. If it had happened any other day, hard bitten new yorkers would not have batted an eyelid.
This begs the question; why should our samurai of sarcasm even bring it up? Especially after seven long years of silence on the matter? The truth is the fat cunt was lured into this stygian murk by the hated conspiranoids. If it wasn't for those fucking bastards, hardly anyone would have paid it any attention at all.

The reality - that "the man" is scarcely competent enough to control his own bowels, and doesn't give a toss about you anyway - is depressing and emasculating; just another day in the cardboard box factory.

The only argument with this is the incompetent seem remarkably able to get everything they want (including a supine and conformist "commentariat") while we, the deluded, also get everything they want.
Beginner's luck, I suppose.
If they do not "give a toss" about their fellow country folk, why would they blanch at rubbing out a few thousand replaceables in pursuit of their greater good?

After all, they do it everywhere else.

David Davis for Freedom - The Revelation

The New Messiah and champion of Human Rights, David Death Penalty Davis, blows the gaff on the antics of the global elite in the Haltemprice farcical theatrical carefully scripted on message piss about election and campaign for true liberty and freedom in the third world fascist state called Britain.

Listen carefully to all the problems humanity faces. Just don't expect to hear any answers.

Editor's Note: The headline of this story refers to David Davis. The speaker in the video is in fact David Icke. Both Davids have Messianic qualities.