Tuesday, 9 September 2008

Anatomy Of A Trial

Just as the secrets of the human body have been unlocked by the diligent study of commonalities found, an examination of the modern terror trial bears much ripe, swollen fruit.
The Revelation!:
The plot is explained and it us said not just to be real, but very so! At this point no claim is wild enough, whether it be Ricin, Red Mercury or Tang Bombs. Impossibility is no obstacle, just ensure that the public are made fully aware of the potential catastrophe avoided by our brave lads. The use of the words: 'chilling', 'shocking' and 'carnage' are at this point mandatory. Death tolls are always scientitiously calculated to be in the thousands. It may also be useful to describe the plot as unimaginable, even though clearly someone must have made it up.
The Round Up!!:
With lightning speed, arrests are made, some to be discarded later. These are usually of young morons who have been under surveillance for many months. The evil genius almost always outwits the plod at this point. They will be clearly in possession of freely available terror materials, have discussed half baked bullshit on 'internet chatrooms' and will have made that most deadly of weapons, the martyrdom video. They alone, are enough to scare a person to death!
The Hiatus....:
All is quiet as the police trawl the hundreds of computers, thousands of electronic mails and millions of mobile telephone messages. This usually turns up a few incriminating CD's and some soft drink containers. Moody photos of the sullen guilty are released to the world's newshounds.
The Trial!!!:
This will be covered intermittently, dropping to zero when the slimy defence lawyers are trying to get the guilty off scot free, yet rising to a hysterical clamour when the state rolls out its son et lumiere reconstructions of events that have never occurred.
The Verdict???:
That perennial Achilles Heel of the show trial, the jury, returns the wrong verdict. Probably out of fear of the guilty, staring evilly from the dock.
The Fall Out!!!:
First, and most importantly, the original and now discredited, allegations must be regurgitated with even greater urgency! Questions about the general uselessness of juries will be asked! The CPS will vow to retry these people until found guilty. And, of course, Freewheeling Frankie Gardiner will emerge, in all his prosthetic glory, to reflect the security community's dismay!

As the telelgraph newspaper reported up to 4000 terrorists in the UK last year (probably twice that by now!), we can look forward (with an average cell size of 20) to around 200 of these trials in the next few months.

Apart from where actual explosions occur, which will have been performed by 'clean skins' who work 'under the radar' and are all dead so no trial is necessary, I think you can be confident the aspects outlined above will be found in well over 100% of these cases.
It's the conspiraloon guarantee!

22 comments:

Tangbang said...

PURE GENIUS

The Antagonist said...

I would be most happy if you were contracted to write and present the news on a regular basis.

Please apply with vigour to do so.

The Antagonist said...

Here's another one to add to the list:

"a plot to chill the marrow".

Marvellous stuff to describe a plot to blow up planes in which the evil brown beardies didn't have any plane tickets, nor any viable explosives, nor for that matter passports in some cases.

The Antagonist said...

Ooh, a fan of the mighty Alliance:

"an excellent post on the always enlightening conspiraloon blog about how these terror trials work"

Fighting, winning, etc, etc.

Stef said...

"reads like a student-level stand-up act"

our plan to infect the thoughts of the young and the feeble-minded with our perverted ideology goes from strength to strength!!

Fighting, winning, etc, etc.

The Antagonist said...

Quite.

While we're at it, the new SADS campaign is probably worth a post or two.

We should hang a lemon in the sidebar in honour of Gus Grissom.

The Antagonist said...

Conspiraloonery: "As the telelgraph newspaper reported up to 4000 terrorists in the UK last year (probably twice that by now!), we can look forward (with an average cell size of 20) to around 200 of these trials in the next few months."

Glad you mentioned the subject of the ever more vapid, sorry, rapid, exponential incremental explosive increase in the number of terrorists and terror cells, for the record holds it that, as recently as November 2005, new anti-terror legislation was to apply, according to the Gospel of Truth that was Tony Blair, to "fewer than 20" terrorists, barely even a cell worth mentioning.

This war on terror thing must be working very well.

Stef said...

While we're at it, the new SADS campaign is probably worth a post or two.

There are some old (and new) wet work favourites in the list already

though I've decided to limit myself to five new entries per day from now on as working on the list is the Conspiraloon equivalent of snacking - once you start you just can't stop

Bridget Dunne said...

Can I have a snack of 5 SADS suggestions?

Richard Conroy

Honey Bees

Hilda Murrell

Yasser Arafat

Marla Ruzicka

Stef said...

Tuck in

Now for my five a day...

Stef said...

tsk, how come I haven't included Jürgen Möllemann yet

/ slaps forehead

Bridget Dunne said...

This is turning into some education. Jürgen Möllemann, President of the German - Arabic Society, interesting.

Bridget Dunne said...

Do you have any idea how long this list could be?

Bridget Dunne said...

I've found a list of 103 mysterious deaths associated with JFK.

Bridget Dunne said...

Not forgetting Naji al-Ali.

Stef said...

Do you have any idea how long this list could be?

I would say it's potentially endless

Stef said...

This is turning into some education. Jürgen Möllemann, President of the German - Arabic Society, interesting.

cf. Uwe Barschel

Stef said...

I've found a list of 103 mysterious deaths associated with JFK,

Unfortunately, some of those deaths don't meet the high standards of suspicion set by the Alliance ISO 9001 Quality Control procedures

Remember, with The Alliance you're 100% guaranteed 'All Killer No Filler'

paul said...

We should hang a lemon in the sidebar in honour of Gus Grissom.
Perhaps you could utilise your photoshop skills to knock up a logo
<adjusts slitty rectangular glasses>
Hmm...I see a lemon...a lemon with the SADS acronym superimposed...and the rousing strapline "We can beat it-Together!"
<nods off and glasses slide down face/>

The Antagonist said...

Eagle-eyed Conspiraloons will have noted a slight decrease in the output production of the Antagonista Propaganda Collective.

Unfortunately the collective graphics tablet and pen suffered a total pen failure and the combined forces of capitalism appear unable to meet the requirement for a replacement pen, preferring instead to flog the now stupidly expensive whole kit and caboodle to those who have no need for it.

Meeces just don't cut it.

Stef said...

I bought a low cost Wacom clone on eBay recently

you'd be pleasantly surprised at just how shit it is

The Antagonist said...

That's surprising. If only because there's nothing at all paradoxical about anyone trying to make a profit by selling something more cheaply than everyone else.

Usually it's a sure-fire guarantee of lasting quality.