Wednesday, 14 May 2008

Attention Passengers!

Following the videos, that were both chilling and shocking, shown on colour television last night, conspiranoid frequent flyers are advised to watch out for:

  1. Airplanes with windows made of 12mm safety glass rather than the normal triple pane construction
  2. Airplanes with bits of plastic leaning against the walls purely to fly about in an alarming fashion
  3. Fellow passengers with prosthetic robot arms
And before flying, make sure no one in your community has conducted around 30 test explosions in a flat near you.. A quick call to your local nick should clear this up, as they routinely film these things.

We do not wish to alarm our community as:
  1. A transatlantic liner such as the 747 can retain cabin pressure with up to five windows missing, (even non standard ones we presume), apart from in films.
  2. Airplane toilets do not have windows, to prevent nosy seagulls watching you have a dump, wank or 'filling in' your application to the 'mile high' club.
  3. These loose lying panels have never been observed-YET!!
  4. Home made robot prosthetics are very hard to fabricate in a surveilled flat, even harder than explosives. They are also trickier than the compact, but deadly, victorinix picknicker to get through airport scanners. Especially when attached to brown skinned cartoon joke-hadis.
  5. Terror Tech Tip: It is advisable to construct the robot arms in situ, from a set of components disguised as innocuous everyday objects, like Scaramanga's infamous 'Golden Gun'. We suggest a telescopic tree lopper, central heating motor and a car battery. The hydraulics can be rigged together using garden hose filled with TANG! (diluted 10 parts to one)!

The device, made from an Oasis soft drink bottle, had to be put together with a remote controlled arm at a government laboratory because the mixture was so volatile, a jury heard.

Keith Ritchie, a senior case office at the Forensic Explosives Laboratory said: “If the mixture reacted unexpectedly with the detonator inside it would result in the death of anybody nearby.”

But judge Mr Justice Calvert-Smith questioned the relevance of viewing the hypothetical tests.

"We have to deal with fact," he told the court. "This is a conspiracy rather than actually causing an explosion or murder."

The judge said the jury's concern was whether such an explosion would have endangered an aircraft and killed anybody.


Anonymous said...

LOL. I saw Nisha Pillai on TV last night do her best to fear us into believing the "shocking" footage (as I believe her words were) proved the accused WOULD have done just that and killed us all.

I was preparing a blog post about last nights BBC Newz but once again, fellow loons have beaten me to it.

The Antagonist said...

This is a shocking and chilling article. I am both shocked and chilled.

Very good.

"We have to deal with fact," he told the court. "This is a conspiracy rather than actually causing an explosion or murder."

That has to be one of the most reasonable comments made by a judge in the last 30 years. And it's still shit.

The Antagonist said...

There is a marvellous stencil, for the subversive stencilly minded, that proclaims, "The State is the only terrorist"

An updated version would have to read, "The State is the only Conspiracy Theorist".

The Antagonist said...

^ Maybe such a subversive stencil would look something like this.

The Antagonist said...

And speaking of stencils, The Conspiraloon Alliance proudly presents THE STENCIL PUNKS.

Massive Attack said...

The Antagonist said...

This is a shocking and chilling article. I am both shocked and chilled.

Scary news stories do not chill me - and it doesn't take much to get me chilled and when I'm chilled, like totally chilled, nothing shocks me. I don't get how you can be shocked and chilled at the same time. How do you do that?

"The earliest mentioned 'chill out room' was at the legendary Madchester nightspot, Konspiracy. In these rooms, visitors would find couches, comfy pillows, psychedelic light shows projecting trippy images and music that was decidedly downtempo, especially when compared to what was going on a few feet away on the dance floor."

Just what exactly are they trying to achieve??

Massive Attack said...

That stencil is class btw

Merkin said...

I watched it on TV last night and I was both chilled and shocked.

The moral of the story is don't put Semtex into your detonator.

Stef said...

I hope everyone realises that the guy who invented TANG also came up with SPACE DUST (aka pop Rocks)

One can only shudder at the chilling and shocking probable consequences of mixing Space Dust with H202 - how big a robot arm would you need to handle that concoction from Hell?