Monday, 29 September 2008

Sunday, 28 September 2008

Emergency Warning for all Office Workers

Remember, all it takes is a match

or, alternatively, one of these finely crafted, limited edition commemorative musical lighters...


Monday, 22 September 2008

Anthropomorphic Global Warning

A computerised simulation of what might really happen under certain circumstances:

I defy anyone not to support our glorious atomic future after watching this.

Saturday, 20 September 2008

Tuesday, 16 September 2008


THE inventor of the internet last night dramatically revealed he had completely missed the point of the internet.

Sir Tim Berners-Lee said the world wide web was created to circulate reliable scientific information and not for the dissemination of cults, conspiracies and rumours about Leonardo Di Caprio.

But experts immediately dismissed Sir Tim, claiming he had obviously confused the internet with something else, possibly books

Computer user Wayne Hayes insisted facts were only appropriate on the internet in the form of genuinely pornographic images of Gemma Atkinson, and not some second rate Photoshop nonsense.

He said: "Sinister cults based on the flimsiest of ideas can spread rapidly on the web and win thousands of young, good looking supporters. Isn't that brilliant?

"Four weeks ago I was an unemployed electrician, now I am the prophet Karkuku, the money is great and the sex is very special."

He added: "I'm also a registered charity so if you pay by direct debit I can claim the tax back from the government in Gift Aid and it won't cost you any extra."

According to Wikipedia Berners-Lee invented the internet in 1942 as a mind control tool for the Red Cross.

He now lives in a cave in Vietnam where he controls the world using a machine that looks like a giant, old-fashioned telephone.

Since starting the Iraq War in 2003 he has made $4,000 trillion from the sale of nuclear weapons to both sides and is now the world's second richest man after Will Ferrell.

PS David Aaronvitch is a twat


Sunday, 14 September 2008

Sudden Adult Death Syndrome

In our first ever public health campaign, we seek to highlight the unexplained and deadly curse that stalks our world - and has left our greatest scienticians baffled!

Sudden Adult Death Syndrome

Ex Bundestag representative Jürgen Möllemann demonstrating the correct procedure for sky diving without a functioning parachute

Please alert us to possible sightings in the comments section below and help eradicate this menace



The Apollo 1 Space Capsule (caution, flammable) as piloted by the late Gus Grissom

Tuesday, 9 September 2008

Anatomy Of A Trial

Just as the secrets of the human body have been unlocked by the diligent study of commonalities found, an examination of the modern terror trial bears much ripe, swollen fruit.
The Revelation!:
The plot is explained and it us said not just to be real, but very so! At this point no claim is wild enough, whether it be Ricin, Red Mercury or Tang Bombs. Impossibility is no obstacle, just ensure that the public are made fully aware of the potential catastrophe avoided by our brave lads. The use of the words: 'chilling', 'shocking' and 'carnage' are at this point mandatory. Death tolls are always scientitiously calculated to be in the thousands. It may also be useful to describe the plot as unimaginable, even though clearly someone must have made it up.
The Round Up!!:
With lightning speed, arrests are made, some to be discarded later. These are usually of young morons who have been under surveillance for many months. The evil genius almost always outwits the plod at this point. They will be clearly in possession of freely available terror materials, have discussed half baked bullshit on 'internet chatrooms' and will have made that most deadly of weapons, the martyrdom video. They alone, are enough to scare a person to death!
The Hiatus....:
All is quiet as the police trawl the hundreds of computers, thousands of electronic mails and millions of mobile telephone messages. This usually turns up a few incriminating CD's and some soft drink containers. Moody photos of the sullen guilty are released to the world's newshounds.
The Trial!!!:
This will be covered intermittently, dropping to zero when the slimy defence lawyers are trying to get the guilty off scot free, yet rising to a hysterical clamour when the state rolls out its son et lumiere reconstructions of events that have never occurred.
The Verdict???:
That perennial Achilles Heel of the show trial, the jury, returns the wrong verdict. Probably out of fear of the guilty, staring evilly from the dock.
The Fall Out!!!:
First, and most importantly, the original and now discredited, allegations must be regurgitated with even greater urgency! Questions about the general uselessness of juries will be asked! The CPS will vow to retry these people until found guilty. And, of course, Freewheeling Frankie Gardiner will emerge, in all his prosthetic glory, to reflect the security community's dismay!

As the telelgraph newspaper reported up to 4000 terrorists in the UK last year (probably twice that by now!), we can look forward (with an average cell size of 20) to around 200 of these trials in the next few months.

Apart from where actual explosions occur, which will have been performed by 'clean skins' who work 'under the radar' and are all dead so no trial is necessary, I think you can be confident the aspects outlined above will be found in well over 100% of these cases.
It's the conspiraloon guarantee!

Saturday, 6 September 2008

Spin Off

Spooks? Cunts more like.

In an astonishing case of shit life imitating shit art, and employing the axiom that you can never have enough secret services, the people of America are to have a new domestic spying branch modelled on the shit military intelligence propaganda show 'Spooks'.

I would warn these good people that the catchily titled 'Defence Counterintelligence and Human Intelligence Centre' may to turn out not to be handsome, idealistic terror busters, as in the colour television programmes, but yet another bunch of twisted, scheming provocateurs dedicated to the immiseration of their countryfolk, as found in real life.

The strange thing is the FBI does much the same work as our boys already.....

Thursday, 4 September 2008

History Lesson

Intro to John McCain's nomination acceptance speech scheduled to begin at 9 minutes past 11 Central Standard Time: