Friday, 25 July 2008

Something Must Be Done

Can we allow another bleak winter under smurf hegemony?

UN kingpin Kee-th Moon has called for the international community to take strong action against the newly designated rogue state of Smurfland.
"By harbouring one of our most valuable stooges the worst war criminals since Adolf Hitler, these monsters are shitting on the graves of every humanitarian soldier."
As is normal in these matters, a vulnerable minority has been brought the world's attention. The democratic, peace loving group selected are called 'The Tweets'. They once united Europe in song, but now know abject misery beneath the iron heel of smurf supremacism. We forgot them once, as we all too often do with one hit wonders, but never again!

Feargal Keane, whose lachrymose talents have solved countless african droughts, reports from their embattled enclave:
"The ground, strewn with broken eggshells and gaily coloured feathers...savagely plucked from some bird's breast...tell us all we need to know. "
"In this village, these are all that is left of this tuneful community."
"One young tweetling can no longer sing his beloved 'birdie song'. Tragically, we could only film him perform a karaoke version of 'The End'. "
"When has that gloomy pop group 'The Doors' meant so much, to so many? "

"It says it all about life under Smurfdom"

bongo and chris unite!

Musicians worldwide have rallied round their persecuted harmonic brethren. Lily allen has promised to post something on her myspace page sometime. Forbes magazine owner Bongo was unequivocal in his condemnation:
"The Tweets were always the Elvis of music to me."
"The tax regime these artists have to endure is totally unacceptable. "
"I call for the security council to buy a cache of RED branded 'Stinger Missiles' for these brave souls. "
"The Smurfs shall know the bitter taste of our humanitarian steel!"
"Peace, and no file sharing with terrorist drug dealers"
Strong words indeed from the doyen of managerial rock!

Contemporary gloomy pop star, Chris Evans of Coldplay, pledged to host a consciousness raising event. 'Tweetamont' will hammer home our mock avians' misery to the western middle classes.
He dismissed the 'cynics' who brand him a complete wanker, countering:
"Look what we did with Live Earth! They said it was a pointless, self indulgent promotion of an elite hoax. But now, just one year later, its fucking freezing!"

"That's people power, man"
World faith leader Tony Blair took time out from earning money, adding his effeminate voice to the bandwagon cause:
"Our quarrel is not with the Smurf people themselves, but their hideous socialist regime. While I deplore violence, if they don't hand over this monster I say..."

"Kill them all!"