Wednesday, 12 September 2007

The Messiah is to hold a press conference this week

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Did any fellow Loons catch this? I was, ahem, on 'holiday' at the time...



“I’m Brian and so is my wife”

The Messiah is to hold a press conference this week.

Date: Thursday 6 September 2007
Time: 14:00
Place: to be arranged

Journalists are asked to arrive with an open mind as this is a truth which they are in no position to determine and they may be risking their chances of eternal life. I will be discussing my journey of spiritual redemption, why I know in my heart I am the Messiah and the mission to teach humanity in the run-up to 2012.

This is all rather embarrassing for someone who was an atheist technocrat three years ago. And I am painfully aware how mad all this sounds.

There is however ancient evidence to show that the Messiah is phonetically called ‘David Shayler’. When added to recent signs which have appeared independently of me – including a Messianic Cross of Saturn, Mercury, Venus and the Sun in the skies on 7/7/7, the day I was proclaimed Messiah -- it has become inescapable that a higher power is indicating that I am the anointed or chosen one who has come to save humanity.



To any who might find this surprising, I point out that I have spent ten years standing up for truth, justice and human rights with little concern for my own life, liberty and livelihood.

To clarify the position: I am the last incarnation of the Holy Ghost (aka the Holy Spirit) or the Yeshua or Jesus Spirit (aka the Christ consciousness). As the Holy Spirit is God incarnate as essence, I am God incarnated as spirit and man. Many cultures have accepted that the gods incarnate as humans, including the Egyptians, the Greeks and the Romans. In the West, this knowledge has been preserved as the unwritten Qabalah, the real secret guarded over the centuries by groups like the Templars and the Rosicrucians.

Other incarnations have included Tutenkhamen, King Arthur, Mark Anthony, Leonardo da Vinci, Lawrence of Arabia and Astronges, a Hebrew shepherd and revolutionary leader crucified in Palestine in 1 BC. I am both a re-incarnation of King David and of his bloodline.

It is absolutely clear to me that the world is going to hell in a handcart. Few would dispute that humanity needs a Messiah to get it through these difficult times. Those who follow the real teachings of Jesus – unconditional love and absolute faith -- have nothing to fear from the New Universe.

David Michael Shayler
Hebrew for Beloved King (who) shuffles through the Other World
3 September 2007

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8 comments:

Daffyd Chayler said...

IMPOSTER!

I'm the one true messiah

This 'David Shayler' is nothing more than a Manchurian Candidate™ trying to steal my influence upon the new shape of the universe (I'm going for albatross shaped)

Jesus Christ said...

Pah!

Daffyd Chayler said...

Composite!

brendadada said...

Damnit, you've been here all the time! I really must get out less.

The Antagonist said...

Getting out less is a requirement or hardcore Conspiraloonery.

Jon Ronson recommends sitting in your bedroom on your own for the full effect. Others recommend the wearing of a tin-foil hat, although that doesn't stop Jon Ronson's shit pouring in through your eyes and ears.

Daffyd Chayler said...

Now here's a little story
To tell it is a must
About an unsung hero
Who's holier than us

Some people make a fortune
Others are paid peanuts
My old man don't earn much
But heaven is enough

Oh my old man's a mushroom
He wears a mushroom hat
He wears cor blimey trousers
And he lives in a council flat

He looks a proper 'nana
Fighting for the truth
And that is why sometimes he'll try
Espadrilles and proof

My old man loves a mushroom
The occasional spliff instead
He smokes less dope than the Pope
Whose nog' sports a fish head

I say I say Les
(Yeah)
I found a police dog in me mushrooms
(How do you know it was a police dog)
He had a policeman with him

Oh my old man's a mushroom
He wears a mushroom hat
He sometimes drops some acid
Nothing wrong with that

I say I say I say
My dustbin's full of lilies
(Well throw'em away then)
I can't lily's smokin' 'em

Oh my old man's a mushroom
He wears a mushroom hat
He picks at it when he's coming back round
Until the colours are back

I say I say I say
(Not you again)
My dustbin's absolutely full with toadstools
(How d'you know it's full)
Cuz there's not mushroom inside

I found a tiger's head one day
Nailed to a piece of wood
The tiger looked quite miserable
But I suppose he should
Just then from out the window
A voice began to wail
He said "Oy too much mushrooms son"
and I puked in a pail

Oh my old man's a mushroom
There's mushrooms in his head
He wears cor blimey trousers
And he lives in Somerset

Next time you see a mushroom
Looking all red and mottled
Don't forget about my piss
Filtered, pure and bottled

The Antagonist said...

Oh, Daffyd, that's so so clever. I had visions (no, not the sort of visions with which you have recently become familiar) of a similar rabble rousing performance to that given by Pete and Dud to the very same tune.

The Antagonist said...

Why the picture of Kurt Cobain?