No Guarantees

Military Intelligence warns us that the mysterious Al Qaeda has thought up yet another way to fulfil its avowed mission to stop global warming by the reckless use of human flight!
One we have no defence against!!

This is what you will not see coming

By ruthlessly placing bombs inside their own bodies (probably in some high technology cave) they can outwit the very latest in modern intrusion technology.
The scanner manufacturers deeply regret this, but what do you expect for the money?
Still, they're slightly more effective than the empty boxes british industry has been flogging to areas where there is a more immediate threat

Scientist shares his fears

Grandly categorised evolutionary paleobiologist, Simon Conway Morris, will reveal to a paying audience that,in his opinion, our visitors might be less like this:
and more like this:
Shit.
Fuck.
How will we tell the difference?

New Media

Oliver Stone: bankers helped Hitler!!!

screams the guardian headline, yet the full article fails to illuminate, or even mention, this fascinating topic.
Fortunately, thanks to the internet, the curious can be informed further on these matters:
Sample nuggets here and here.

Full unhappy meal:

Go Large

Full Body Scammers

It's a marketing problem, you've got a pointless product which noone wants to buy
you've got these cunts who cannot remember life without war
strange heartless love
There might be some problem about humiliation
but that is the point

No pictures, because they might be evil

Fearmonger General

Mr Chambers, from Doncaster, faces prosecution for conspiracy to create a bomb hoax and is also banned from Robin Hood Airport for life.

He has been released on bail but detectives confiscated his iPhone, laptop and home computer.

It's hard not to be reminded of a couple of other recent hoaxsters:

This authoritarian skirt chaser took a little time out to put the wind up an already terrified nation back in February 2003.
and Radovan Karadzic's old drinking buddy had a go in August 2006, just as there was some speculation he might try to succeed sanctimonious murderer Anthony Blair as Labour leader.

Both these lads got off scot free, but as the terrorist threat has been dramatically increasing since then, Mr Chambers might not be so lucky....

Have you seen this man?

The full weight of the conspiraloon scientific laboratories have joined with the west's top security agencies to help track down the world's most wanted home video producer:
Then:
Now:
(Note that fearless frank 'nobody pushes me around' gardner of the bibicee has suggested that he may be making full and deadly use of a detachable beard to disguise his current state.)

This, frankly bizarre, strategy to avoid detection may explain why our brave leaders are sending so many civilians and soldiers to hunt him down in the next world.

If it is any help, here is a drawing of his his house:

While less mobile than the saudi pimpernel, this has still to be located. Top analysts suspect he may have craftily changed the interior fittings and swapped the door number.