Monday, 25 October 2010

Guest Post: Craig Murray

It's been quiet for a while at the Conspiraloon Alliance. This is due, obviously, to the fact that since the last important missives from outside the realms of sanity were issued, everything in the world has been fine and dandy.

Regular readers from the olden days will be pleased to learn that the importance of what we do has been recognised far and wide among the lords and masters we never chose, and we have not suffered as a result of the government quango budget cuts.

Now that wasting precious materials printing money faster than Toys R Us can stock up on Monopoly boards is the height of fashion, it's probably about time to dust off the straw men and restart the circuses.

If you're expecting bread too, even though we're all in this together you're on your own with that one.

But still, chins up, keep calm and carry on. Don't you know there's a war or two on?

To remind us why there's war or two on, and to mark the occasion of the reopening of the Conspiraloon Alliance Circus and Freakshow, what better way to start than a Special Guest post from none other than Former Ambassador to Usbekistheroin, Craig Murray.

So without further ado, here's Craig.............

Sky News Exclusive - Inside the World of the Taliban Sandbank Squads


MOD sources have revealed exclusively to Sky that the Taliban attack on HMS Astute could have been "Bigger Than 9/11". As Sky correspondent Adam Ramsay was told exclusively by Taliban commander Hilal-al-Wemadeituppy, a crack Taliban team planted the Improvised Sandbank Device that almost destroyed HMS Astute on Friday.

HMS Astute Disabled By Deadly Taliban ISD Attack

Now MOD and security service sources have told Sky security correspondent Oswald Moseley that this attack was potentially "Bigger than 9/11". This is the 435th such potentially bigger than 9/11 attack since 9/11.

Sky can exclusively reveal that, if the contact with the Improvised Sandbank Device or ISD had caused an explosion in the nuclear reactor on board HMS Astute, it could have wiped out the two hundred million people living on the North West Coast of Scotland.

John Reid, former Home Secretary, told Sky News that this was evidence that the Islamic threat was now potentially more destructive than a full scale nuclear war with China.


Lord Blair, formerly Head of the Metropolitan police, believes that Britian must now strengthen anti-terrorism legislation and re-open investigations into thousands of Muslims who have been searched or arrested and released.

"In the past we have concentrated on looking for potential bomb ingredients like sugar or domestos. We now realise that many suspected terrorist houses, where insufficient evidence could be found for a prosecution, in fact contained sand. This was often found in the garden. It was very often cunningly disguised as a playpit. All reasonable people must deplore the use of children as a front for terrorism. We believe that sand may also have been cunningly incorporated into the very fabric of some of these homes."

Sky News can exclusively reveal that Lord Blair's remarks have reopened debate on the vexed question of Detention Without Charge. Top security analyst Rupert Mussolini believes that the sandbank threat proves suspects should be detained for much longer periods to give the police time to think up a ludicrous pretext. "If you are going to bang people up without reason for 28 days, why not 196?" he asks.


In the past, it has been revealed exclusively by Sky News that Muslims engaged in any form of sport or outdoor activity, such as skiing or white water rafting, are actually engaged in Al-Qaida team building exercises. Only now do we realise the full extent of such activity in intensive training camps actually here in the UK to give secret training in the preparation of Improvised Sandbank Devices (ISDs).

Deadly Sandbank Training


Military historian Andrew Mengele has explained exclusively to Sky News that Muslims would be incapable of thinking up a tactic like the Impovised Sandbank Device (ISD) for themselves, but were taught it by the British.

Dr Mengele explained "Many military historians like myself beliive that the Improvised Sandbank Device, or ISD as we military historians call it, was intoduced into Islamic culture by that great master tactician of guerilla warfare, Lawrence of Arabia".

Lawrence of Arabia With Prototype Sandbank


In an interesting twist, Sky's Northern Ireland correspondent John Knoxkingbilly can exclusively reveal to Sky viewers that the security services in Northern Ireland believe that the ISD provides further evidence of tactical and ideological linkages between al-Qaida and the IRA.

The Riddle of the Sands

There is, apparently, no end to the fanaticism of the Taliban menace, of which the Improvised Sandbank Device is but the latest manifestation of an infinite threat. In the chilling words of Taliban Commander Hilal-al-Wemadeituppy, talking exclusively to our Chief Correspondent Adam Ramsay, "We will fight them with the beaches, Inshallah".


sunny holiday said...

You're all mental!

Educationally Deficient Loser said...

effin mooslims.


sand! the've took everyday simple sand like at the beach and builders merchants and they've turned it into bombs!


peter purves said...

This is the new normal.

I should know. I was making sandcastles, for a client you understand, when the first ever, never before or after seen, ISDs were used on railway wagons and a charabanc.

peter purves said...

They sometimes even use old squeezy bottles to make rockets.

If only I'd known that when making Blue Peter.

peter purves said...

They are terrors these terrorists.

But they don't make nearly as much money as I do.

Butterman said...

I can't believe it's not C4!!

Official Truth said...

Nice try, LibCom.

Ten out of ten for effort.

Not so many points for effectiveness.

Franco Giardiniere said...

The ISD threat is very, very, very real.

Stef said...

That's Frank plugging his book again

team a said...

I ain't playin' in no sand, you crazy foo'

team b said...

Where are we team building this month?

Stef said...

maybe we could start a a band

team b said...

If only we could get employed by MI6, imagine the shit we could move about in the touring gear

team a said...

Conspiracy theorists are a lot like this

paul said...

"It is about a journey that began 25 years ago with a chance meeting on a London bus with the veteran Arabian explorer, Sir Wilfred Thesiger, who inspired in the young Frank what would become a lifelong passion for the Arab world. This abiding interest would lead him to travel throughout the Middle East, experiencing at first hand peoples, places and cultures that few have encountered - a colourful world of scorpion-infested Bedouin tents, of Cairene hash dens and vibrant Egyptian slums. It's a journey that would eventually lead, via the world of banking, to Frank becoming a journalist with the BBC. And it was this passion that would, in the wake of the world-changing events of 9/11, send him on the journey that came to dominate - and so very nearly end - his life: his coverage of the phenomenon that is Al-Qaeda."

When I was a lad I was told not to speak to strangers, let alone ones with an SOE background.

I remember the creepy old explorer ruminating on TV something about "The harsher the environment, the nobler the people".

I think we're all going to be enobled soon.

Stef said...

Thesiger was positively sane compared to his old Gideon Force chum and godfather of the IDF Orde Wingate

In the words of Max Hastings...

"Wingate proved a short-lived protegé: closer acquaintance caused Churchill to realise that he was too mad for high command."

which would have to be pretty darned loopy

paul said...

Is 'veteran explorer' a euphimism for sex tourist?

Stef said...