Thursday, 12 June 2008

MPs to demonstrate 42 days not so bad after all

In an unprecedented move to reassure the public that six weeks internment on the basis of no good reason that can be demonstrated is the right thing to do, a cross-party coalition featuring all serving MPs has agreed to spend 42 days and nights in 8' x 4' windowless cells. The coalition of MPs have renamed and re-branded themselves as Military Prisoners for the duration of the stunt in honour of the monarchic fascist regime for which they are puppets and which introduced six weeks internment.

The MPs have agreed to be arrested at the points of several sub-machine guns in dramatic 4:30am dawn raids. The guns and small arms such as harmless 50,000 volt ticklers tasers will be wielded by at least one State marksman who has killed before, either by design or by accident. Mock state broadcasts will be aired as part of the overnight coverage from the Big Brother house. Newsreaders will pretend to become actors for the day and will announce shocking headlines via TV, radio, free daily newspapers and the Internet. An insider supplied the alliance with the notes from the made-up news brainstorming. Headlines include:

  • "Police get tough on real terrorists"
  • "The Revolution Happened and the Filthy Bastards are all Locked Up"
  • "Dodgy Donors Investigation: FUCK ME THEY'RE ALL AT IT"

The raids will require the deployment of the entire British Police Force in around 650 coordinated raids on a date unknown to the Military Prisoners or their mistresses and call girls.

A spokesman for the Home Office, who asked not to be named said, "What's the fuss about? 42 days is less than two Februaries and February is the shortest month of the year." When pressed the spokesman added, "February always flies by so two Februaries in quick succession would fly by too. Only half as quickly, I suppose." Jaqui later described in detail a fabulous pair of Manolo Blahniks she found dumpster diving for stray Qhat in Notting Hill while under the influence of the killer munchies killer drug Super Skunk.

Keith Vaz, leader of the Military Prisoners and happy to talk to anyone about why everyone that isn't him should be locked up, even though there are probably plenty of better reasons to lock him up, said: "If you have nothing to hide, you have nothing to fear." He added, "Look at us, for example. As MPs we've not hidden that many of us are by word and deed priapic Lothario war criminals and corporate shills on the payrolls of the highest bidders and we're as free as you like. Examplars of freedom." Keith was still talking long after everyone had gone away.

Keith Baz, a minicab driver and the only bastard to answer our questions, said: "Support your government. Everything they do, they do it for you. Or at least, with you, or at least some of you, in mind. Douglas Adams said 42 was the answer and he was alright. I think."