Thursday, 25 December 2008

He Says It All

Merry Xmas to all our millions of fans



We'll keep on fighting - and we'll win!

Tuesday, 23 December 2008

Sunday, 21 December 2008

Wednesday, 17 December 2008

Christmas Cabaret 2008


Book Early to Avoid Disappointment!!

Don't Book at All to Avoid Even Greater Disappointment



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Tuesday, 16 December 2008

Tomorrow belongs... Tomorrow belongs... Tomorrow belongs to meeeeeeeee!!


School Children Set to Become Junior Wardens

A group of 30 pupils from an All Saints school are gearing up to become Wolverhampton’s first Junior Wardens.

The whole of year 5 from Grove Primary School, based on Caledonia Road, will participate in the scheme which is being run by the ABCD Neighbourhood Wardens in conjunction with West Midlands Police. Funding for the project has come from the West Midlands Police Community Initiatives Fund. Sergeant Glen Moseley from the All Saints Neighbourhood Policing Team secured the funding to buy uniforms and stationary for the Junior Wardens.




The aim of the scheme is to promote citizenship and to raise the young people’s awareness of their community, environment and the difference they can make. The junior wardens will undertake a series of lessons teaching them about different aspects of safety and how to be observant about what is going on around them. They will receive talks from a number of different people including West Midlands Fire Service, Police Community Support Officers and the council’s environmental team.

Senior Warden Simon Hamilton, who has organised the scheme said: “This is a great opportunity to teach some of our young people to think about what is going on the local area, how they can improve their environment and how to help prevent crime. We are extremely grateful to the police for funding this scheme and I hope that this is something that other schools can undertake in the future.”


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Monday, 15 December 2008

Wednesday, 10 December 2008

Another Chilling Plot ...thwarted!!


'Austrian Clown' Arrested

Austrian artist Christian Eisenberger (1978) was arrested on Monday by the Metropolitan Police on the corner of Bishopsgate and New Street in the City of London. After a brief interrogation he was released, carrying parts of his outfit in a plastic bag.

Eisenberger, who is well known in Austria for his sculptures and performances in public spaces as well as for performances in the middle of nature, was walking on Bishopsgate, wearing a clown's outfit, when a member of the public alerted the police. Most probably, the reason for this was that Eisenberger wore not only a typical clown's costume with the appropriate clown's make-up, but also carried a belt around his waist fitted with brightly coloured artificial explosives.




Eisenberger, who was visiting London for 48 hours, commented that he knew that the walk through London would fail at a certain point, but to his surprise his visits to Downing Street, Parliament Square, the new Saatchi Gallery and the Tate Modern went unchallenged. The public responded with amusement and while some members of the public raised eyebrows, none of the security guards at the various sites took action.

However his freedom as a clown ended when he was spotted by members of staff at the Royal Bank of Scotland (RBS) who stood outside smoking cigarettes.

Minutes later, exactly 20 footsteps away from the police station at Bishops Gate near Liverpool Street Station, eight policemen surrounded Eisenberger, handcuffed him, and led him to the nearby police station, having relieved him of his red clown's wig and red nose. Where the same performance earlier this year in Vienna caused only amusement, it goes without saying that walking through London's financial centre in an 'explosive clowns costume" will draw not only reactions by the public, but also by the police who will react swiftly.




Perhaps in these chastened times, tragicomic figures will draw attention
and will make people stop and think. The irony of this event is that the clown 'Eisenberger' was not only being a clown but he also seemed to be a potential threat to the public. HVS December 2008


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Sunday, 7 December 2008

Agent Orange




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Just One More Thing To Worry About

Hot news! Just in from the department for having a laugh:

UN is told that Earth needs an asteroid shield
Scientists call for £68m a year to detect danger, and more for spacecraft to defend against it



Elsewhere: Funding for the eradication of predatory capitalism slashed

Make It Happen

Proving the predatory financial sector retains a sense of humour within its dying, twitching husk, I received this cheery note on my return from eurozone 1:

The Royal Bank of Scotland

Dear Mr NAME REDACTED,
Good Business Sense
As your Business Manager, I would like you to know that my team and I are here to support you and your business during the current econommic uncertainty. We can help you with a great deal of practical support on day to day matters like cash flow management as well as more strategic, long term advice.
I have enclosed an impartial guide from MoneySense for Business,RBS's financial capabilities initiative.Entitled 'Trading through the Economic Downturn' its aim is to help businesses understand how best to mange their finances given the current economic slowdown.
Given that my business manager will no doubt be a hair gelled,larval stage scrap of genetic landfill( squirming within a poorly cut suit his mother assured him he will grow into),whose advice will amount to peddling some worthless financial 'product', I was sorely tempted to tell them to go fuck themselves.
But then they already had*.





*After everybody else

Sunday, 30 November 2008

The Spiral is Tightening

Do NOT be fooled by imitations!

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Fellow Loons. It would appear that, based on a recent post over at House Price Crash Forum, there is another group of researchers out there trying to pass themselves off as Conspiraloons®, under the own brand 'Conspiritard' label...




Please do not forget to remind all young children and people with feeble minds you are trying to indoctrinate that there is only one Conspiraloon® Alliance - and that it's the Conspiracy Theories we reject that make Conspiraloon® Conspiracy Theories the Best

Thank you for your attention

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Saturday, 22 November 2008

BNP membership leak. Fuhrer Fuhrious

Details.

Fuhry.

warning: contains compositions of the 
letters A to Z that,in some earth 
languages, have the potential 
to offend some 
earthlings

Compulsory Redundancy

Mr Rauf before he was given his jotters

'Suspected' terrorist and 'alleged matermind' Rashid Rauf is 'reported' to have been killed by 'a suspected United States drone', the guardian cautiously informs us.
A great blow in the war on terror or merely a lightening of the load on our over burdened public purse?
Which ever it is, it seems we will now never know the shocking, chilling truth behind the transatlantic liquid bombing plot which our government has so singularly failed to prove existed.
It is hard for the civilised human mind to encompass this man's awesome potential for destruction. What kind of evil genius could carry out such an enterprise? What crazy plans was he hatching as he wandered in and out of police custody?
It is our tragedy that a monster of his talents worked for our enemies.
If only we had people like that on our side!

Winter Patriot fills in the details of the West Midlands pimpernel far better than we, or the hated mainstream media, ever could.

Friday, 14 November 2008

Black Sky Thinking

The Man from Rand - He say Yes!

A small group of highly connected, non profit, psychopaths (though many of our profoundest thinkers contend they do not exist) have been thinking out of their boxes recently. The object of their concerns are the current problems facing the world population.
They have studied our political leaders' bailout of criminal financial institutions and found fault.
But far from being cynical naysayers, they offer a compelling, proven strategy for the stimulation of the world economy, addressing the needs of a distressed military infrastructure and the greater good of ridding their world of a few more 'useless eaters' as one of its alumni, Heinz Kissinger, affectionately nicknamed poor people.
The plan is a alarmingly simple:
According to reports out of top Chinese mainstream news outlets, the RAND Corporation recently presented a shocking proposal to the Pentagon in which it lobbied for a war to be started with a major foreign power in an attempt to stimulate the American economy and prevent a recession.

A fierce debate has now ensued in China about who that foreign power may be, with China itself as well as Russia and even Japan suspected to be the targets of aggression.

The reports cite French media news sources as having uncovered the proposal, in which RAND suggested that the $700 billion dollars that has been earmarked to bailout Wall Street and failing banks instead be used to finance a new war which would in turn re-invigorate the flagging stock markets.
While China seems to be the prime candidate, growing American anger with the rest of the world suggests the target might be closer to home. As hedge fund supremo Kenneth Griffin told US lawmakers:
"It breaks my heart when I go to Canary Wharf and I look at thousands and thousands of jobs in London in the derivatives market which belong in America."
All we can do is hope they carry out their threat to follow them. This will constitute an immensely wealthy human shield to protect us. All they would ask in return is the privacy and lavish welfare payments with which we indulge our elite non-domiciled immigrants.

Tuesday, 11 November 2008

Education Special

Every school to get a holocaust specialist

Never Forget...war is no laughing matter

Holocausts are all too common and we appreciate our state indoctrination system's efforts to stamp them out forever.
However, with education budgets under increasing pressure, teachers might just have to narrow it down to the most important one.
So hard to choose....

Monday, 10 November 2008

Mainstream Conspiraloons #129 - Baron West of Spithead



"Some of the measures that we have put into place in the past 15 months have made us safer, but that does not mean that we are safe"

"The threat is huge. It dipped slightly and is now rising again within the context of 'severe'.

"There are large complex plots. We unravelled one, which caused damage to al-Qaeda and the plots faded slightly.

"However, another great plot is building up again, which we are monitoring.

"We have done a great deal to protect ourselves and to look after our water supplies, our resilience, underground trains, our preparedness and communications.

"We have done all the things that we need to do, but the threat is building - the complex plots are building."

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Thank God for FOXNEWS - UFOS ON VIDEO HIGH QUALITY NAZA VID

Thursday, 23 October 2008

An Army of Angels

You will not see the doctor now

Even as western civilisation is being herded off a psychiatric cliff, it is a welcome relief that the great and good keep their eye of providence firmly focused on the big picture.
The war on human misery will hopefully be won by the exciting new initiative from the Gates/Buffett Tax Shelter. While they may not be able to bring sanitation and basic nutrition to the wretched of the earth, paid for, poorly tested iatrogenic materials will be administered to all, whether they like it or not.
No doubt valuable lessons can be learned from the sterling groundwork by forward thinking members of the military community. They, and other leading lights, have long realised the danger latent in the malignant, fecund neoplasm of poor people.
These developments will provide valuable new career opportunities , though the more risk averse amongst our youth might well look elsewhere.

Monday, 13 October 2008

First they came for the Neo Nazis...


Jörg Haider: Banken Mafia...




"...what we need is the protection before these ruinous (financial) products. Because the banks are a single gigantic maffia, which has poisoned the whole world with these products. By transporting all that, so to say, out from America, and today nobody want to be responsible.

The whole thing will be delivered onto the little man, because he will loose jobs, he will lose also income"

Wednesday, 8 October 2008

Freemasons deny Grand Architect built Petronas Towers

The world famous Petronas Towers in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia



The Masonic Square and Compass

Monday, 6 October 2008

SADS Update!!

FBI AGENT: 'BONO WAS CLUBBED TO DEATH'


Dream on...


Tragic rocker SONNY BONO was
clubbed to death by hired hitmen, according to a stunning new tabloid expose. An investigator who has been researching Bono's 1998 fatal skiing accident for the past decade claims top officials linked to an international drug and weapons ring feared the singer-turned-politician was about to expose their criminal acts - and so they had him killed on the slopes. Cher's ex-husband Bono's death was listed as a "skiing accident" with family and friends satisfied he died after colliding with a tree on the piste in Nevada in January 1998. But former FBI agent Ted Gunderson tells America's Globe that there's more to the tragedy than meets the eye, after studying the autopsy reports and other evidence. He says, "It's nonsense for anyone to now try to suggest that Bono died after crashing into a tree.


Not Sonny's last big hit after all?


There's zero evidence in this autopsy report... to show such an accident happened. Instead, there's powerful proof he (Bono) was assassinated. "This was an evil plot that was carried out to almost perfection by ruthless assassins." Gunderson tells the Globe Bono, an experienced skiier, was ambushed on the slopes by hired hitmen, who beat him to death and then staged a tree collision. The retired FBI agent is now calling for the authorities to dig up Bono's remains and open a homicide investigation. Gunderson's efforts have been backed by top forensics experts, who fear Nevada authorities were too quick to mark the tragedy as a skiing accident, and investigator Bob Fletcher, who has confessed he sent evidence of a 10-year study that linked top U.S. government officials to arms and weapons dealers to Bono less than a month before his death. Fletcher says, "He was going to make it his number one priority... There's no doubt in my mind Sony was murdered by someone who needed him silenced."



Who could have wanted Sonny Bono silenced?







If the star of Escape to Athena can succumb to Sudden Adult Death Syndrome then, truly, NO-ONE IS SAFE!!


Escape to Athena - It fucking smokes! but not quite in the same way as Starship Troopers ... no, not at all...
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Saturday, 4 October 2008

Film Corner

Invest your increasingly worthless fiat money in something of lasting value:


It fucking smokes!

Do you want to buy more?

Thursday, 2 October 2008

French build burial chamber for global Capitalism

As the United Mistakes of America has a mass-debate about whether to give $700 billion to the financial crooks that, in Wall Street speak, "fucked everything up," and while working class men on the street suggest that a far more successful way of kick-starting the economy would be to take that same amount of money and divvy it up between 300 or so million Americans, those cheeky little monkeys over in Red, White and Blue Franceville have decided to cut the crap and build a giant burial chamber for international global capitalism.

True to the one true way of deploying fruity symbolism the new Franco-Nazi tomb for global capitalism borrows heavily from the design of tombs for Egyptian pharoahs that would later manifest themselves on the one true one dollar bill.



Monday, 29 September 2008

Sunday, 28 September 2008

Emergency Warning for all Office Workers




Remember, all it takes is a match

or, alternatively, one of these finely crafted, limited edition commemorative musical lighters...






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Monday, 22 September 2008

Anthropomorphic Global Warning

A computerised simulation of what might really happen under certain circumstances:

I defy anyone not to support our glorious atomic future after watching this.

Saturday, 20 September 2008

Tuesday, 16 September 2008

Another Conspiraloon Exclusive!! INTERNET INVENTOR MISSES POINT OF INTERNET


THE inventor of the internet last night dramatically revealed he had completely missed the point of the internet.


Sir Tim Berners-Lee said the world wide web was created to circulate reliable scientific information and not for the dissemination of cults, conspiracies and rumours about Leonardo Di Caprio.

But experts immediately dismissed Sir Tim, claiming he had obviously confused the internet with something else, possibly books

Computer user Wayne Hayes insisted facts were only appropriate on the internet in the form of genuinely pornographic images of Gemma Atkinson, and not some second rate Photoshop nonsense.

He said: "Sinister cults based on the flimsiest of ideas can spread rapidly on the web and win thousands of young, good looking supporters. Isn't that brilliant?

"Four weeks ago I was an unemployed electrician, now I am the prophet Karkuku, the money is great and the sex is very special."

He added: "I'm also a registered charity so if you pay by direct debit I can claim the tax back from the government in Gift Aid and it won't cost you any extra."

According to Wikipedia Berners-Lee invented the internet in 1942 as a mind control tool for the Red Cross.

He now lives in a cave in Vietnam where he controls the world using a machine that looks like a giant, old-fashioned telephone.

Since starting the Iraq War in 2003 he has made $4,000 trillion from the sale of nuclear weapons to both sides and is now the world's second richest man after Will Ferrell.


PS David Aaronvitch is a twat

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Sunday, 14 September 2008

Sudden Adult Death Syndrome



In our first ever public health campaign, we seek to highlight the unexplained and deadly curse that stalks our world - and has left our greatest scienticians baffled!


Sudden Adult Death Syndrome



Ex Bundestag representative Jürgen Möllemann demonstrating the correct procedure for sky diving without a functioning parachute



Please alert us to possible sightings in the comments section below and help eradicate this menace


---------------->


ONCE AND FOR ALL!!



The Apollo 1 Space Capsule (caution, flammable) as piloted by the late Gus Grissom
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Tuesday, 9 September 2008

Anatomy Of A Trial

Just as the secrets of the human body have been unlocked by the diligent study of commonalities found, an examination of the modern terror trial bears much ripe, swollen fruit.
The Revelation!:
The plot is explained and it us said not just to be real, but very so! At this point no claim is wild enough, whether it be Ricin, Red Mercury or Tang Bombs. Impossibility is no obstacle, just ensure that the public are made fully aware of the potential catastrophe avoided by our brave lads. The use of the words: 'chilling', 'shocking' and 'carnage' are at this point mandatory. Death tolls are always scientitiously calculated to be in the thousands. It may also be useful to describe the plot as unimaginable, even though clearly someone must have made it up.
The Round Up!!:
With lightning speed, arrests are made, some to be discarded later. These are usually of young morons who have been under surveillance for many months. The evil genius almost always outwits the plod at this point. They will be clearly in possession of freely available terror materials, have discussed half baked bullshit on 'internet chatrooms' and will have made that most deadly of weapons, the martyrdom video. They alone, are enough to scare a person to death!
The Hiatus....:
All is quiet as the police trawl the hundreds of computers, thousands of electronic mails and millions of mobile telephone messages. This usually turns up a few incriminating CD's and some soft drink containers. Moody photos of the sullen guilty are released to the world's newshounds.
The Trial!!!:
This will be covered intermittently, dropping to zero when the slimy defence lawyers are trying to get the guilty off scot free, yet rising to a hysterical clamour when the state rolls out its son et lumiere reconstructions of events that have never occurred.
The Verdict???:
That perennial Achilles Heel of the show trial, the jury, returns the wrong verdict. Probably out of fear of the guilty, staring evilly from the dock.
The Fall Out!!!:
First, and most importantly, the original and now discredited, allegations must be regurgitated with even greater urgency! Questions about the general uselessness of juries will be asked! The CPS will vow to retry these people until found guilty. And, of course, Freewheeling Frankie Gardiner will emerge, in all his prosthetic glory, to reflect the security community's dismay!

As the telelgraph newspaper reported up to 4000 terrorists in the UK last year (probably twice that by now!), we can look forward (with an average cell size of 20) to around 200 of these trials in the next few months.

Apart from where actual explosions occur, which will have been performed by 'clean skins' who work 'under the radar' and are all dead so no trial is necessary, I think you can be confident the aspects outlined above will be found in well over 100% of these cases.
It's the conspiraloon guarantee!

Saturday, 6 September 2008

Spin Off

Spooks? Cunts more like.

In an astonishing case of shit life imitating shit art, and employing the axiom that you can never have enough secret services, the people of America are to have a new domestic spying branch modelled on the shit military intelligence propaganda show 'Spooks'.

I would warn these good people that the catchily titled 'Defence Counterintelligence and Human Intelligence Centre' may to turn out not to be handsome, idealistic terror busters, as in the colour television programmes, but yet another bunch of twisted, scheming provocateurs dedicated to the immiseration of their countryfolk, as found in real life.

The strange thing is the FBI does much the same work as our boys already.....

Thursday, 4 September 2008

History Lesson

Intro to John McCain's nomination acceptance speech scheduled to begin at 9 minutes past 11 Central Standard Time:

Wednesday, 27 August 2008

Remake/Remodel

Having, like most of his countryfolk, clawed his way up from Eton and Brasenose, apple cheeked David Cameron is fast emerging as 'The People's Prime Minister'. His youthful drug taking and love of a night out swigging lager and kebabs has endeared him to an increasingly self medicating generation.

Some however, fear his jockistani ancestry will cement the emerging sharia state's stranglehold over TeamGB political affairs. Its insatiable demands for the state benefits, extorted in exchange for mineral resources, have long concerned Mittel England's beleaguered tax payers. Others fear his populist rhetoric will lead him to betray his own class, merely to curry favour with 'the electorate', a group ravaged by the privations of socialistic rule.

These concerns can be easily laid to rest by a cursory examination of the company he keeps. There is a reassuring consistency in their characters.

Paul Kagame: Like most Rwandans, a high ranking, Fort Leavenworth trained Ugandan Army intelligence officer. He rose to power by the innovative use of democratic invasion, ethnic cleansing and murder of civilians. While many regret this bloody episode, you are hardly going to reap the Congo's riches with out breaking a few million eggs. Is known to associate with war criminals.

Mikheil Saakashvili: Like most Georgians, a simple, Washington educated, Soros funded, tie eating psychopath who, when not democratically killing South Ossetian civilians, likes to write for the Guardian and appear on Team BBC colour television. Dave's principled support for this nutcase has won him unlikely allies on the hard left. Is known to associate with war criminals.

John McCain: Like most Americans, the son and grandson of navy admirals, whose efforts to democratically kill Vietnamese civilians, while successful, were confounded by his propensity to crash the planes he flew. Is known to associate with war criminals.He jokingly recalls the days of rolling thunder, agent orange and death from above:

The latter's recent insane outbursts must be especially gratifying. They gift the 'elite' community's shiny faced tribune a golden opportunity to underline his green credentials, while embodying those two vital qualities; that of being both 'tough' and 'new'.

By recycling his speech to the sinister 'Community Security Trust' earlier this year, he can reposition himself as the 'Green Freedom Fighter'. One who saves the environment while slaying the great bear!

Our Future - The New Saint George"Le Booble Double"

While most in our wasteful consumer society would simply discard this unpromising rubbish to the landfill of history, a few minor changes are all that is needed to extend its useful life.

Example given:

During protests against the conflict in Lebanon attack on Georgia, we witnessed the nauseating inspiring sight of well-scrubbed, middle class English people a ruling class American…

marching through central London Campaigning for President...appearing on holding placards that read saying openly 'We are all Hizbollah'. Georgians, now!'

That is the extremist right and proper mindset in action.

These are the same people who urge a boycott of Israeli goods and academics surrounding Russia with nuclear weapons…

…while saying nothing the right things about China, or Zimbabwe.

Unless we challenge support such attitudes and expose praise them for the morally-bankrupt nonsense sensational insights they are…

they will not spread through the body politic and become the received wisdom of millions!

And you can always change it back the next time Israel drops thousands of cluster bombs,razes the Lebanon's infrastructure, or tries to seize the Litani!

Saturday, 16 August 2008

Loonovations Catalogue **UPDATE!!*


Ladies and Gentlemen, allow me to present the fully patented FBTS...





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Wednesday, 13 August 2008

A Land Without Planning For A People Without Point


Headline grabbing stuff from our favourite fear-mongering racists, Die Politischen Austausch! Taking time out from fitting up minority booksellers, this 'think tank', fiercely independent of scientific rigour,honesty and humanity, has produced 'Cities Unlimited'; a suitably deranged combination of old testament lore and neo-liberal fantasy.
It proposes that benighted northerners stub out their smuggled fags, forsake their traditional binge drinking and undergo an 'Exodus' to an economically cleansed southern superstate based around London, the capital of England.
Its author, the irresistibly named Timothy Leunig, has fused the twin obsessions of his masters, a slavish devotion to the blood and soil myths of zionism, and a brutal, fundamentalist economic programme of proliteriatian subjugation.
An enthusuastic economic hack, vision unclouded by reality, he exhumed Politischenfurher Herr Doktor Hartwich's theory that the 'housing crisis' is all down to socialistic government planning: Set free the golden vale of the south, and its deserts will bloom. The North, and all it's miseries, will vanish - like tears in the rain...
As a good academic, he skirts daintily around facts such as building companies already retain an average of 2.7 years of land banked permissions (even as they cast off their unwanted workforces), Londinium's higher child poverty rate and astutely omits that fine example of uninhibited development and informalised economy, Kinshasa (or 'Kin La Poubelle' as its inhabitants fondly call it).
Our Timothy places his faith in such intellectual haymakers as:

"We cannot, with the best will in the world move Deutsche Bank to Sunderland. "
The trained mind is a wonderful thing. No wonder he laments in the guardian that not enough people understand economics.

While ideological hygiene was provided by the good Doktor, how was Timothy to make it attractive to the Grosse Mensch in the organisation, Forschung Regisseur Godson? This brooding anglo american, who sees terrorists wherever he plants evidence, had been driven half mad by recent events.
  • His first master, Conrad Schwartz, had been reduced to singing 'The rivers of Babylon' from the Grey Bar Hotel!
  • His own flesh and blood supplied arms to the terror state of Iran (The one that never said it wanted to wipe anyone off the map) in the great Iran Contra Caper!
  • His own sweaty humiliation on the frankly socialist Newsnight!
Timothy saw that by investing the plan with a mythic destinarian quality, he could appeal to this troubled madman. This would put Die Austachen back in the picture! These simple ingredients; a downtrodden minority, upheaval and fantasy were deemed to be so journalistically delicious, that no newshound would hesitate to publish!

After all, in the dog days of summer, they'll print any old shite.

Herr Godson had but one caveat: Grimsby East must be excluded from 'Operation Northern Exodus'. Though a forgiving man, he could never forget this enclave's callous rejection of a plucky young spook,one he held dear, in the 1997 general election.

With thanks to Spinwatch for background on this grisly shower of cunts.

Update: In a magnanimous parting gesture politischenfuhrer Hartwich has declared that he's off, and the South is a pile of shit as well . Which must be disappointing for him, as our parliamentary flunkeys have been slavishly following his ilk's prescriptions for 25 years or so.
Auf Wiedersehen für immer, Herr Doktor.
Australia's loss is surely our gain.

Wednesday, 30 July 2008

Are you READY for 2012??

This Junior Conspiranaut is ready for it prepared

ARE YOU?



A perfect opportunity to keep abreast of the latest in 2012 research and cutting edge thinking

...and then sit back and do fuck all about anything for the next four years




and remember


2012 Research is not a distraction

GUARANTEED!!


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Saturday, 26 July 2008

A new cosmic download from God

As everyone knows, the Queen™ is hooked on YouTube and has a YouTube electrickery machine attached to the complex system of Messianic pipes in every study in all her hices (sic).

The Messiah™, never one to miss a cross-media marketing advertising and PRopaganda opportunity, demonstrates how to cut together a load of hastily cobbled together old shit, recorded under duress at gunpoint, into a divine revelation.


Friday, 25 July 2008

Something Must Be Done

Can we allow another bleak winter under smurf hegemony?

UN kingpin Kee-th Moon has called for the international community to take strong action against the newly designated rogue state of Smurfland.
"By harbouring one of our most valuable stooges the worst war criminals since Adolf Hitler, these monsters are shitting on the graves of every humanitarian soldier."
As is normal in these matters, a vulnerable minority has been brought the world's attention. The democratic, peace loving group selected are called 'The Tweets'. They once united Europe in song, but now know abject misery beneath the iron heel of smurf supremacism. We forgot them once, as we all too often do with one hit wonders, but never again!

Feargal Keane, whose lachrymose talents have solved countless african droughts, reports from their embattled enclave:
"The ground, strewn with broken eggshells and gaily coloured feathers...savagely plucked from some bird's breast...tell us all we need to know. "
"In this village, these are all that is left of this tuneful community."
"One young tweetling can no longer sing his beloved 'birdie song'. Tragically, we could only film him perform a karaoke version of 'The End'. "
"When has that gloomy pop group 'The Doors' meant so much, to so many? "


"It says it all about life under Smurfdom"

bongo and chris unite!

Musicians worldwide have rallied round their persecuted harmonic brethren. Lily allen has promised to post something on her myspace page sometime. Forbes magazine owner Bongo was unequivocal in his condemnation:
"The Tweets were always the Elvis of music to me."
"The tax regime these artists have to endure is totally unacceptable. "
"I call for the security council to buy a cache of RED branded 'Stinger Missiles' for these brave souls. "
"The Smurfs shall know the bitter taste of our humanitarian steel!"
"Peace, and no file sharing with terrorist drug dealers"
Strong words indeed from the doyen of managerial rock!

Contemporary gloomy pop star, Chris Evans of Coldplay, pledged to host a consciousness raising event. 'Tweetamont' will hammer home our mock avians' misery to the western middle classes.
He dismissed the 'cynics' who brand him a complete wanker, countering:
"Look what we did with Live Earth! They said it was a pointless, self indulgent promotion of an elite hoax. But now, just one year later, its fucking freezing!"

"That's people power, man"
World faith leader Tony Blair took time out from earning money, adding his effeminate voice to the bandwagon cause:
"Our quarrel is not with the Smurf people themselves, but their hideous socialist regime. While I deplore violence, if they don't hand over this monster I say..."

"Kill them all!"

Hide in Plain Sight

The hated mainstream media claim to have tracked down controversial balkan strongman Radovan Karadisc. However, only our Conspiraloon Earth™ technology has been able to pinpoint his true location, and reveal his new identity!


The lack of an extradition treaty with Smurfland poses grave obstacles to the forces of international justice. We must prepare ourselves for tough economic sanctions and eventual invasion of this rogue state...If necessary wiping it off the map, as we did with Yugoslavia.