Dr Iain Stewart: ULTRALOON™ EXTRAORDINAIRE™

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This is BREAKING NEWS just in, and it TRULY is a

...GLOBALisation CONSPIRACY


What follows is superloonery™ that is hard to beat, Dr Iain Stewart is an exemplary example of mainstream conspiralunacy™ and is at the very top of his game...apparently, so he would have us believe, a network of volcanoes spanning the entire planet is conspiring to knowingly (because how could it occur by chance ?) pump out the precise amount of co² necessary to make Earth a lovely place to live - no more, no less, just the perfect amount

no oil shills required, by his own works shall ye know the bearer of false tidings:

"Volcanoes emit co² which keeps our planet warm, but they only ever emit just the right amount, and that perfectly accidental yet perfect balance is now being ruined by us tipping the balance with our own co² emissions, which unlike the perfectly measured output of volcanoes' co² cannot be used as food by plankton and other flora"

- not the exact words of the good Doctor you understand, they are, however, the exact meaning we are supposed to take from tonight's TRUE™ SCIENCE™ packed edition of Earth: the Power of the Planet, you have to feel sorry for them - there they were really really wanting to make out like co² is really really bad even though what they're really trying to do is demonise the very existence of human beings at the same time as leaving corporate life almost entirely unaffected and even though water is a more powerful greenhouse gas and even though nature if left unmolested finds its own balance - and they had no choice but to mention volcanoes or people might have thought the programme was bad science...at least they tried, bless 'em

arch conspiracy theorist Dr Strangelove Dr of Global volcano conspiracy Iain Stewart

From the Daily Torygraph:

The programme he is presenting, Earth: the Power of the Planet, begins on Tuesday on BBC2 and, over the course of its four parts, will explain how volcanoes, the atmosphere, the oceans and ice have each been critical to the world’s evolution. The series will, in a way, be like a historical version of the BBC’s popular nature programme Planet Earth, complete with stunning photography and elaborate CGI effects. The history of Earth, says Stewart, is one of survival against daunting odds. ‘What we’ll be telling is the story of how the planet’s a pretty robust beast, and how it’s been through a lot during the four and a half billion years it’s been in existence. It’s endured incredible stuff thrown at it. And life itself has had to endure several near-death experiences to get to where it is today.’ [nothing to do with solar cycles and rogue space objects - just co² and don't you forget it]

This tale of our planet ‘in its middle age’ as Stewart calls it (he reckons Earth’s got another four or five billion years to go ‘before the sun expands and fries us’) puts our current worries about the advance of global warming in perspective. ‘It’s not that the changes caused by global warming aren’t important,’ he says. ‘It’s just that the changes aren’t important for the planet. They are important for humans, because we’ve evolved at a time where there are rainforests, there’s ice at the poles – ideal conditions for human survival. But what we have to appreciate is that the changes we’re going through are only making the world different from the one we’ve evolved in. The Earth itself has plenty of experience of getting through catastrophe and if we are the catastrophe, it will survive us too. The planet will survive. But the human race will not.’ So what kinds of things will we learn about this ‘robust beast’ that is so much tougher than we are?

The opening episode on volcanoes examines an array of natural phenomena and explains how they were all caused, directly or indirectly, by the huge mass of molten rock that is at the Earth’s core, bubbling away at a temperature as hot as the surface of the sun. As well as volcanoes, these phenomena include the hot springs of Iceland and all major mountain ranges. The episode explains how volcanoes are created by, among other things, hot rock from the Ear[t]h’s core bursting up to the surface in columns known as ‘plumes’. Iceland’s hot springs are a result of the fact that the country is sitting on a bed of boiling rock only 20 kilometres below the surface. Mountain ranges, meanwhile, are created when the massive tectonic plates on the surface of the Earth bump into each other and push the land up around them – thanks again to the motion of lava, this time hundreds of kilometres down. Stewart says the series should also prove the relevance of geological knowledge to our lives.

Every intriguing fact in the programme turns out to have some bearing on our existence. ‘Our planet had a twin that gave us the moon,’ says Stewart, by way of example. ‘The moon came from a twin that the Earth had very early on its life that smashed into our planet, and the collision threw up the moon.[and he can prove beyond all doubt that it happened that way with FACTS™ even though the matter is still debated, and besides, the all knowing and all powerful - and extremely accurate volcano god told him it was so] Having that moon is absolutely fundamental to life taking hold on Earth because it gave us stability. The mutual anchoring effect it had was crucial. If we had been left tipping wildly in space, life probably wouldn’t ever have got off the ground.’ Making the programme involved some pretty extreme experiences for Stewart and his team, as well as that hairy bit of abseiling. They went diving in a cave in Mexico. They tunnelled under a glacier in Norway. They experienced temperatures of 60 degrees celsius in the Australian outback, and then minus 45 in north-eastern Siberia. This last trip, Stewart recalls particularly vividly: ‘When you closed your eyes the moisture in your breath froze your eyelids together,’ he says. ‘You’d have to use your fingers to prise your eyelids open.’ Despite the hardship, the need to show on film how freezing it was in Siberia meant that Stewart had to stay chilly. [even though Stewart maintains in his programme that temperatures are rapidly getting out of control] ‘The business of having icicles hanging down from your eyebrows conveyed best what it was like,’ he says. ‘So often, just when I had warmed up between shots, the cameraman would say, “Right, you’ve got to bury your face in the snow now.”’ Never let anyone tell you that TV presenters don’t suffer for their art.
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Still, never mind all that, and pay no mind to the genetic bastardisation of nature or the mercury filled sea and all the war pollution and all the toxic plastics and diesel particulates and oestrogen mimicking stuff in the rivers or hormone filled food and industrial wastage and your bleach flavoured and fluoridated water (it's true, mine is, and so probably is yours), just concentrate on co² with all your might, and if you want something to do whilst you wait for the Armageddon, why not kill your neighbour ? it'll be one less mouth to breathe, eh ?

Earth: The Power of NIGHTMARES the Planet continues with a not at all scaremongering look at our atmosphere on tuesday 27th november on beebtelescreen2™ at 9pm...and once the series has ended, assuming that they're kidding themselves that this volcanic conspiracy theory is still washing, Earth: the Power of the Planet will be allowed by the beebtelescreen™ to flow all round the internet via youtube and google video until the end of time, or at least 2012 which is much the same thing
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